How can you help clients prepare for a difficult conversation with a colleague?

The #1 goal of having a difficult conversation is to listen to understand the recipient's perspective. The #1 mistake is to Offer a solution Chances are what you think the problem is, is very different to what the recipient thinks Moreover you both might be incorrect about the root cause. Having a difficult conversation in business or personal life is uncomfortable but essential to move forward

This is perhaps the most important step. We have to help the client uncover the reasons and situations that led up to this conversation. We do this by asking powerful questions and identify the client’s blind spots. Only then can we start to craft a realistic and achievable goal.

Often the client is emotional and stressed in the lead up to a difficult conversation. I always start by clarifying the desired outcome, this way we can create a strategy that allows them to feel prepared and empowered going into the discussion. I like to help a client think through the various ways the conversation might go, this way they feel prepared for any possible scenario.

Primero lo primero! ?? Es fundamental hacerse preguntas como: ?Qué quiero que suceda? ?Cómo quiero que suceda? ?Qué cosas son evitables y cuáles son incontrolables? Otras preguntas clave pueden ser: ?Qué siente o quiere la otra parte? ?Qué necesita para sentirse segura? ?Qué le enoja o da miedo? Pero más importante que hacerse preguntas, es consignarles una respuesta clara. A veces, disparar sin apuntar tiene consecuencias, en extremo, severas. ?? A partir de ahí, dise?ar cualquier espacio conversacional (planificar el enfoque) resultará mucho más sencillo. Y, en consecuencia, el bienestar del vínculo tendrá más posibilidades de solidificarse y evitar inconvenientes futuros. ????

When I'm prepping my clients, we always start with how they want to feel and what they want to believe about how the meeting went when they leave. The only thing we have 100% control over is how we show up. So the outcome can be "laid out my case for a promotion" but not "boss gave me a raise". Then we plan backwards on how they want to make that outcome happen.

One way to identify the goal before having a difficult conversation with a colleague is trying to understand if you want to continue having a good relationship, are you okay to hurt your colleague if need be, and most importantly can you do it with empathy and understanding? If you choose to be cold and straightforward, ask yourself if that might make you lose in the long term. You must try to understand the outcome yourself first.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received on this that helped me navigate challenging conversations was to remove the emotion. Easier said than done, right? Write down the facts of the situation and use those to guide the conversation. This approach helps both parties avoid saying something fueled by emotions and leads to a solution more quickly because there's less in the way to distract from the facts.

3 steps to turn uncomfortable conversation comfortable 1- it doesn't take two to tango - you have the power to start, lead and end the conversation (no matter how the recipient reacts) - you either create a positive or a negative feeback loop every time you speak 2- perspective - if you or the recipient is not in a good place, don't have the conversation, reschedule it - it's about how you talk -watch your facial expressions and body language. Words lie, body doesn't 3- create emotional safety -To have a logical conversation, you need to satisfy the emotional brain first -if you create emotional stress, the recipient is defensive - if you create emotional safety, the recipient is neitralized and ready to discuss anything

Once they've chosen the outcome they want that's within their control, we can decide what they will do and *not* do during the meeting to get that outcome. For something like a job interview a few things might be "stay present and listen, do not worry about what the interviewer is thinking or about whether I'll make it to the next round". With a difficult colleague it might be "stay focused on the mutual goal, not the exact steps to get there, listen instead of waiting to speak, take a breath and feel my body in the chair if I feel emotion rising"

While time, place and tone are important, it's equally as important to have a plan for what you will and won't do so that you feel good about how you showed up in the meeting regardless of the outcome. It should include what you will do, i.e. listen rather than waiting to speak, and what you won't do, i.e. shut down when disagreement occurs. This also gives you a plan to refer back to in the moments when your nervous system is activated. You can remind yourself of what you were going to do and not do so that you leave the meeting knowing you showed up in a way you feel good about.

Everyone has different skills to practice but the goal is the same: Stay cool, calm, collected during the convo and you're open to an infinite ROI 3 ways to practice them: 1- journalling -write down what you want to talk about, be specific - come back to it after 15mins and read it again. Remove negative emotions (blame, criticism, defensiveness) 2- visualisation - imagine your reaction to the worst case scenario - process the emotions by talking the points out -visualize it until "their words" don't bother you anymore 3- mindset -people don't want to hurt you -98% of what they say is not about you -it's about their understanding of themselves Don't hope people don't say hurtful things to you, aim for being ok if they do

I love using role play! Everything always sounds so much better in your head. Speaking out loud is a powerful tool in so many situations.

In my experience, I’ve done this quite often with clients. I find that this expands beyond into our personal relationships as well. One thing that I have my client to do is to write down what they would ultimately like to communicate, and then break that down into smaller talking points. They start by reading exactly what they want to say, and helps them to notice where they might be rambling, using too many filler words, or even saying something that they possibly don’t mean. I consistently receive feedback on how well the conversations go when they try this technique.

Understanding the mutual goal is important, but focusing on how you want to show up - want you want to do (listen) and what you want to avoid doing (waiting to speak) will help you keep your cool more than rehearsing your points. In fact, the latter may have you end up more in your head and less engaged in the conversation itself.

While it's good to work on these things in general, I find it can often lead to my clients being in their heads thinking about their body language and choice of words rather than being fully present for the dialogue. It's much more important for them to have a plan of the things they will do and not do during the meeting than rehearsing exactly how they will do it. The plan is enough to keep them on track without being an unnecessary extra layer of anxiety.

3 ways to manage your emotions to show confidence and assertiveness: 1 Change your perspective -emotions just are, it's the meaning you assign to them that creates the feeling of sadness anger ... - when you break your leg, you're not a broken leg. The leg is broken. - when you feel sad. You're not a sad person. The situation is sad 2- Manage your triggers - triggers are the direction not the end destination - reframe the situation: -they don't want to hurt you -it's not all about you -they're concerned about their feelings more than yours 3 silence is your friend - pause before you say something unkind, untrue or unhelpful - pause to reframe your perspective If you don't manage your emotions, someone else will

A tip that I share with my clients is when they’re feeling emotional to go back to the facts because facts are not feelings. Sometimes they even say “Let me go back to the facts” out loud during tough conversations to keep them on track. The more you practice focusing on the facts, the more clearly you can communicate the problem and shift the focus to a solution.

If you know how you want to feel and what you want to believe about how you showed up for the meeting, and then come up with what you will and won't do that will give you that outcome, then you need to focus on what you need to feel in order to show up that way - calm, certain, grounded, etc. And *then* you need to identify what you need to believe in order to feel that way. "We both have opinions and want to be heard" or "I do not benefit if I get petty". Each time the conversation tempts you to move away from your plan, you use this belief to bring yourself back to the big picture.

Once my clients decide on the outcome they want that they can control and have a clear plan of what they need to do and not do to ensure that outcome, I have them decide how they will need to feel before and during the meeting so that their plan can stay on track. Often it's something like "prepared" or "grounded" or maybe even "confident." And then they have to decide what they need to believe about the situation going in that will keep them in that emotion regardless of what happens in the meeting itself. Something like "I have all the information I need at my fingertips" to feel prepared or "This is simply a dialogue in the goal of finding a consensus" to feel grounded going into a contentious situation.

I agree, but when it comes to follow up, we should always encourage our clients to follow up with the person they have had the important conversation with. Often times people believe that following up means making sure that the other person has done what you expected of them, but we use a different approach. We teach our clients to follow up by confirming that they’ve done what THEY have agreed to. For example, “I wanted to let you know that I completed XYZ from our previous conversation.” This approach often sparks the conversation to receive an update from the other party.

It's important to do a quick download of what worked, what didn't and what you might change for next time while the conversation is still fresh.

Understanding why it is perceived & experienced as ‘Difficult ‘ for the person. Exploring why the conversation is important for the person to have & how having the conversation can help them Exploring the beliefs that the person has, what’s blocking them up and/or the resource that can help them to overcome.