Eye contact is a powerful tool for building rapport and trust with others, but it can also backfire if you do it wrong. In this article, you'll learn how to avoid some common eye contact mistakes that might damage your rapport in different situations and cultures.
Before you make eye contact with someone, ask yourself what you want to achieve. Do you want to show interest, respect, confidence, or empathy? Do you want to persuade, influence, or challenge? Different purposes require different levels of eye contact, and you need to adjust accordingly. For example, if you want to show interest and attention, you should maintain eye contact for about 60-70% of the time, but if you want to assert dominance or authority, you should increase it to 80-90%.
A lack of eye contact may cause the other side to wonder, "why aren't they making eye contact with me?" It's a balance because eye contact is how others can feel connected to you. Removing eye contact should done when signaling to others you are internalizing what they're saying and/or when you are pausing for thought. Coupling both with head movement can make the break in eye contact more natural. On video, there is an art to this as well. Here's a LinkedIn Learning video (1.1 million views) for eye contact on video: https://linkedin-learning.pxf.io/jWayVP
The online zoom or teams equivalent of eye contact is just as important in building trust and rapport. Practice alternatively looking directly into the camera and then back to your screen.
Eye contact is not a one-way street. You also need to pay attention to how the other person responds to your gaze. Are they comfortable, engaged, and reciprocating, or are they nervous, bored, or avoiding? Reading the cues can help you gauge the level of rapport and adjust your eye contact accordingly. For example, if you notice that the other person is looking away frequently, you might want to reduce your eye contact and give them some space. On the other hand, if they are holding your gaze and nodding, you might want to maintain or increase your eye contact and show more enthusiasm.
Eye contact is not a universal language. Different cultures have different norms and expectations about how much and when to make eye contact. For example, in some Asian cultures, eye contact is seen as a sign of respect and deference, while in some Western cultures, it is seen as a sign of confidence and honesty. Similarly, in some Middle Eastern cultures, eye contact is expected between people of the same gender, but not between people of different genders. To avoid eye contact mistakes that might damage your rapport, you need to respect the norms of the culture you are interacting with and adapt your eye contact accordingly.
I agree. Respecting the norms of culture matters, as does a person's preferred learning style. Both of these contexts may impact how eye contact is valued and valid. As a former college professor and coach, I know that some learning styles may not give you eye contact, and if they do, they are not listening. I remember a coaching session with a couple and one partner demanded eye contact as a sign of attention. However he happened to be a tactile learner, and so it was actually better for him to focus on doing something while he listened so that it would keep him engaged. In all things we expect from others, it's important that we honor the people that we're engaged with as well as what is important to or a "norm" for them.
While the meaning of eye contact varies across cultures, contexts, and personal preferences, we can control our own reactions and question our assumptions. In fact, I would argue that it is our responsibility to do so to communicate more effectively--especially in multinational contexts. While a lack of eye contact may cause many of us to doubt a person's trustworthiness, for example, we should also consider other ways that person might demonstrate trust. In this way, we can keep the lanes of communication open rather than reacting with mistrust by default, thus limiting further opportunities to communicate.
While eye contact is important for rapport, too much or too little of it can have negative effects. Too much eye contact can make the other person feel intimidated, threatened, or invaded, while too little eye contact can make them feel ignored, disrespected, or uninterested. To avoid these extremes, you need to find a balance between eye contact and eye movement. A good rule of thumb is to follow the 50/70 rule: make eye contact for 50% of the time when you are speaking and 70% of the time when you are listening. This way, you can show that you are attentive and engaged, but also that you are thinking and processing.
One way to make your eye contact more natural and effective is to use the triangle technique. This technique involves looking at three points on the other person's face: the left eye, the right eye, and the mouth. By moving your gaze between these points, you can create a sense of connection and intimacy, without staring or darting. The triangle technique can also help you convey different emotions and intentions, depending on how you use it. For example, if you want to show interest and attraction, you can look at the mouth more often, but if you want to show seriousness and professionalism, you can look at the eyes more often.