How can you actively listen to defensive or resistant clients?

Active listening, more than just hearing, it involves understanding, concentration, response & retention. In a class presentation, my friend faced mockery from fellow classmates as she stumbled midway .But I maintained consistent eye contact with her & nodded supportively Upon her successful completion of presentation, she expressed gratitude for my calm demeanor, citing it as a source of strength amid all the criticism. Her acknowledgment of my focused attention, sustained eye contact, & active listening highlighted the result of creating a positive, supportive atmosphere. This experience taught me the true essence of active listening -which involves calmness, sustained eye contact, genuine involvement & effective responding.

Having spent close to a decade in the tech industry I have noticed that people often rush to fix things, forgetting to really listen to clients. Active listening is key - it's about truly understanding and feeling what others are going through, not just waiting for our turn to talk. This skill is more than just paying attention; it's about deeply connecting with people's needs and emotions. As techies, we're great at solving problems, but we need to remember at the end of the day, it's all about helping people. By really listening, we can offer solutions that truly matter to our clients, making technology more human and helpful. Let's make a conscious effort to be better listeners; it'll make a world of difference

My more than decade long experience has taught me to stay composed and maintain a neutral tone. This helps create a safe environment for the client to express concerns. Use Reflective Listening method to Repeat back what you hear to confirm understanding. This reassures the client that their concerns are being heard. Never play the blame game. Shift the conversation towards finding solutions rather than assigning blame. Keep the focus on resolving the issue rather than dwelling on the problem. Stay in touch/follow up after your project is over. It not only helps to build your network but also bring a personal touch with your clients / colleagues. For majority of people, work is not everything.

Active listening, from a life coach and client perspective, is a nuanced art of engaged communication. As a life coach, it entails attentively tuning into a client's words, deciphering both the spoken and unspoken nuances. It involves empathetic understanding, validating emotions, and demonstrating genuine interest. For the client, it means offering undivided attention, absorbing insights, and responding thoughtfully. This reciprocal process fosters a deep connection, enhancing the coaching relationship. Active listening is the bedrock of effective communication, essential for mutual understanding and meaningful progress in the coaching journey.

What happens when someone is defensive? Their ability to listen to counter arguments diminishes greatly. Let them speak their mind and dont suggest a solution then & there. Do not throw a bigger spear at them. Accept that there is a concern and they are not willing to listen to you. Make sure they are part of the solution framing. Keep them posted with regular updates until the solution is delivered.

Clients may exhibit defensiveness or resistance to coaching due to various factors. In my experience, it often signifies an underlying fear of vulnerability or change. Understanding this, coaches approach with empathy, creating a safe space for clients to express their concerns. From the client's viewpoint, resistance may stem from discomfort with self-discovery or fear of judgment. Recognizing these emotions is crucial for both parties to navigate defensiveness. A collaborative, non-judgmental approach allows clients to gradually lower their defenses, fostering a more open and productive coaching dynamic.

The fear of being judged. A base level fear that we as humans have. We want autonomy, relatedness and be known for being competent at something. When these things are threatened we fear social pain such as being isolated, ignored, rejected. So an instant response is to defend our position to avoid feeling these pains.

When a person shows resistance or defensiveness, it may indicate that they have not fully processed their past pain and are now re-experiencing intense emotions. Providing validation, empathy, and compassion can lead to more positive interactions through the establishment of trust and rapport, ultimately resulting in higher levels of openness.

This is a key aspect in interpersonal dynamics, especially in client interactions. Self-awareness can be a double-edged sword; while it's crucial for understanding one's own motives and reactions, it can also lead to defensiveness or resistance if one feels challenged or insecure. To navigate this, it's effective to start by acknowledging the client's position, showing them how they can benefit or become better informed. This approach can foster a sense of mutual respect and understanding. It creates an environment where the client feels seen and heard, which is essential for active listening.

It is sometimes difficult to comprehend but here are some traits that can help you recognise defensiveness- 1. The other person is not letting you speak. 2. He/ She doesn’t admit his/ her mistake 3. They try to overpower you by raising voice. But we can surely calm them by letting them finish their point of view and politely requesting them to listen our side also.

"With respect"....the great line used before a scathing insult or barrage of defensive comment comes out. It really isn't with respect, its with contempt, but if we preface something by a polite excuse we think we can justify what comes next. It's a great defence technique to show the impartial observer you are being reasonable, when actually you are being passively aggressive.

I have seen over time that the best way in such situations is to use the power of silence. I usually just repeat what they have said, and then follow it up with silence. This helps them rethink their resistance, and explore what is causing them to be defensive within. Usually they will come up with more defense mechanisms and that will help you understand the client more. A client is defensive because there is an internal conflict that they dont want to acknowledge and also because they want to be comfortable in coming out and facing it in front of the coach. The silence helps, and builds a comfortable rapport. Even if there was rapport previously there, this builds on it & empowers the client to be authentic and really face the challenges.

Defensiveness usually comes up when someone feels triggered in a situation. It can happen during life coaching as well because we are exploring deeper desires, fears etc. When a client becomes defensive it's because they are feeling something in the moment. It's important to tap into that emotion by acknowledging the defensive behaviour,validating the client's emotions and giving them room to share what they're feeling in the morning. Such acknowledgement & validation allows resistance and defensiveness to go down & exploration of deeper fears & needs can take place.

Put yourself in their shoes. Be quiet for a while and be sure to get what they said. Before responding, ensure that you understand the underlying reasons behind their words. Only if you understand their WHY you can get what they are saying and want and, effectively reply.

Active listening to defensive clients involves staying calm, expressing empathy, and validating their perspective. Use reflective listening, open-ended questions, and positive body language to encourage them to share without interruption. Be patient, stay focused, and work collaboratively to find solutions, fostering trust and constructive communication.

In my personal experience, the top things that matter are - 1. Tone : Your tone should convey calmness, genuine expertise and respect. It is automatically reassuring. 2. Content : You should maintain that this isn't a versus scenario, but you are both on the same team, so you could work together for a solution. 3. Listening : Listen to the client and summarize their concerns if need be in your own words. Sometimes the clients get anxious as they realize something is wrong without being able to satisfactorily articulate it to themselves. 4. Options : Whenever you offer a suggestion, try framing it as a question rather than a statement ("How would you like if we did <this>?" ; "Do you think approaching it <this> way could also help?")

Clients are always bitter and disappointed with service or the lack of it and as a result, they get agitated. When they feel like they are not understood are appreciated, or even at fault (like they are sometimes), they get defensive and resistant. On the other hand, the Client support professionals are always adamant to plead guilty of the Client's accusations. This can easily lead to a standoff. The way out, in my opinion and experience, would be for the Client Support Personnel to be professional, avoid the blame game with the Client and instead focus on offering a solution and the way forward. Skillfully, redirect the Client's anger and outrage towards discussing the most suitable solutions and make amends, where possible.

Thw best way to respond is to identifying what the client might be feeling and thinking. If you identify these then you can ensure your message touches on these. That will ensure the client listens ad they feel heard too.

in my experience, there are many occasions in which for example one will be blaming failure to attain results to others and in such situations i have tried having a set road map and staying focused on the objectives. I also ask specific questions to avoid contradicting responses.

Most people just want to feel heard. Although it may be hard sometimes, remember not take it personally. People hurt. They need something or someone to blame, you may just be in the 'right' place and the 'right' time for them to do that while removing responsibility from themselves. Breathe. Listen. Summarize. Mirror. Ask what they think the most productive solution would be for them. You are still the guide. Afterwords, go and have a nice meal or some chocolate:)

In my experience, there is always a really strong and sharp emotion behind resistance, such as fear or shame, or guilt. It is possible that people just hide behind their resistance or negative behavior, and struggling with facing that emotion. I catch myself doing the same from time to time within my own therapy or coaching sessions. What works best for me is when my therapist or coach creates a save space, and lets me approaching the resistance and the pain behind it in my own pace.