How can Emotional Intelligence help you handle conflicts with family and friends?

When dealing with conflicts within families, emotions tend to escalate quickly for a host of reasons: Assumptions, misunderstandings, misplaced or unfulfilled expectations, to name a few. Emotional intelligence suggests the importance of being in control of your own emotions before considering dealing with anyone else's. It is best to avoid attempting to navigate external storms while having active internal hurricanes.

As couples therapist trained in emotion focused therapy, I can tell you it has been the most effective method for working with relationships and families. Why? The blocks are not always in our awareness and we get into a negative cycle where we keep triggering each others’ sore spots. Emotions are energy in motion, and move very fast. When we can slow it down, take a few deep breaths, understand our emotions and learn to regulate them so we can then be in our window of tolerance then we can connect differently and more effectively. It’s from this place we can be assertive and empathetic.

Emotional regulation is imperative for handling conflict but not everyone has this competence or is aware it is needed. The challenge I experience is knowing how to explain to friends and family that escalation makes a productive conversation impossible. Clients come prepared to learn something new so teaching the steps of awareness and calming are expected. I have thought about this however and found that if I include myself in the solution, friends are slightly more likely to listen. Saying, I have got to take a step back and stay calm so we can have a good conversation does help.

Pause, listen and ask curious questions. This is an incredible way to show compassion and caring, engaging other and staying engaged yourself!

A wise mentor once advised that listening must be genuine to be felt and experienced by the other person and I pondered this long enough while watching him listen. His eyes, face, and body were inclined so thoroughly that I felt that what I said was heard and thoroughly respected. It was the attitude of respect and regard that shaped my experience and therefore my desire to engage and align with this mentor. This personal experience has taught me that empathic listening must.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is key in handling conflicts with loved ones. It boosts self-awareness, curbing impulsive reactions, often leading to more thoughtful responses. EI also nurtures empathy, enabling understanding of others' feelings and perspectives, which can lead to more compassionate communication. There is a powerful positive energy that is ignited with a person truly feels heard. A recent client learned to apply EI as a means to work on her patience in triggering situations. Practicing self-awareness and consciously choosing more positive responses, has led to more peaceful drives to work and more compassionate interactions with work colleagues. Very proud of her!

In all but the most extreme topics like religion and politics, speaking directly and honestly helps your community get to know and appreciate you. In the distant past when I tried to avoid family and friend conflict I discovered the disservice to relationship building. With this lesson in place, I make the effort to speak up. This doesn't always have the textbook response as an audience may still take things personally, feel hurt and upset and betrayed that you no longer share their perspective.

One problem that stymies collaborative solutions is when group members won’t contribute, I have heard a brilliant negotiator say to a group, I understand if you need some time to consider the problem before we make a decision. Shall we meet on Monday at 6.00 pm? If your group still doesn't contribute you can dig deeper and solve different problems.

For relationships here are some evidence based books to read: Love Sense and Hold me tight by Susan Johnson. Happy reading!