What's the best way to decide what to tell your peer support partner?

Get into the conversation prepared. Get down to the ?why“ of seeking support. I would suggest to write down notes before the talk. Like this, both your goals and the questions you want to ask get clearer. Focus on asking questions to your peer instead of influencing and sharing opinions. Be open to learn and assume you know nothing for sure.

Be specific. Once you determine your goals for the conversation, ask yourself: What are three things I want this person to walk away from this conversation knowing? Or, if you’re seeking answers, what are three questions I want to make sure to ask? This allows you to be open to receiving advice or sharing information outside of what you may have expected as the conversation flows; however, you’ll have these guideposts to help you stay on track with your goals and intentions.

In conversations with my peers there is something called earned trust. I am most comfortable sharing the complete details of challenging experiences with the very few people who have earned my trust. There is a climb from acquaintance to colleague to friendly to friend to my person to my family. Everyone earns their graduation to the next level. Depending on the level they achieve with me, I determine the degree of detail I share about my own life. Everyone does not need to know everything. They need what will help them, clarify for them and give them a different perspective to broaden their consideration. Only family gets all of me.

When you share your most intimate and vulnerable truth with someone, you want to make sure they have enough "Self" energy to receive it in the highest good. Are they grounded, centered, aware, enlightened? Will they be able to offer a non-judgmental witnessing awareness? Will they be a safe container for intimacy to flourish? Do you due diligence before you reveal more than you want. When you find that peer support partner that can meet you where you are, remember to show your gratitude, and reciprocate in kind.

Having an intention for your conversation is powerful for yourself and to share with your partner. When you know your intention, you can keep the conversation on track. And when your partner knows the intention, they can support you the way you want to be supported. Asking if they are able to support you in this way at this time gives them the permission to say no if they are not able to. This creates a win/win for everyone.

I was at a conference, and when I stood up to ask a question and tell more about what I did, Maria came up to talk with me. She said she liked what I was offering and wanted to support me. I thanked her for her kindness and we became friends. Several years later, she has become my right hand and left brain. And it came from my courage in asking a question and her heartcentered support that resonated and completed what I am trying to do. We share deep truths with each other, and we are business colleagues and also dear friends. I feel blessed with our connection.

In addition to self-reflective questions about how comfortable you may feel wth your partner, the relationship will also benefit from your thoughtfulness about how comfortable your peer support partner may be with you. For example, are they comfortable and confident enough with you to give you honest feedback and insights? Might they be worried about being judged negatively if they don't give you the "right" answer? Remember: the relationship goes both ways.

Depending on what you’d like to share and how you share it, seek out your conversational partner. Pick one that seem to have the necessary background to help you further. If you want to vent and be vulnerable, make sure you talk to a peer you trust and that makes you feel psychologically safe.

There is an ethical factor at play here. "Know the other" is a compelling yet often overlooked maxim. To know the other is not just exercising courtesy; it is an ethical imperative that impacts the efficacy, accuracy, and quality of support. A meaningful support entails treating the other person with dignity and respect, and both can only be given when one knows and understands the unique experiences of each one even in a collective society with shared values. To tailor the support based on this uniqueness isn't just impactful, but purposeful.

This is another important point before proceeding with any specific discussion, as the anwers / queries may differ based on what Zhe has faced in life.

Knowing your limits is not just about the boundaries of self-disclosure, it also means knowing when to use the "I" statement and when to step back. A. The I statement reflect a self that is self-aware, especially when sharing experiences that may be a source of valuable insights (to you) but may be subject to interpretation by others different from how you intended it to be. Limit yourself by using the "I" statement when sharing your emotions. This serves 3 purposes: 1. You can avoid projecting your own to the other 2. It makes the dialogue less accusatory (or not at all) 3. It makes the conversation more open B. Be aware of the signs discomfort or resistance. If these signs start to show, pause, step back, and re-assess.

Again, psychological safety is key here. Listen to your intuition. If you begin to feel uncomfortable at some point, trust your instinct and adapt.

Be gentle with yourself, and keep in mind that sharing in safe spaces is important to your mental health and well being. Perhaps your support partner isn't the person you share deeply traumatic or triggering information with because they may not able to assess and advise you around those circumstances as a therapist or mental health professional might. Don't put yourself or the other person in a position where you've shared something heavy and now you're both left with the weight of it without knowing what, if anything, to do about it. Support is important; being intentional about where you seek that support and from whom is paramount.

At office, with peers we can be friendly but very rare to be friends, so the depth of the conversion is to be taken care of and be sure that the degree of trust you have developed for your peer. Moreover the next important question is whether there is any chance that this conversion can be utilized against you, if your terms are not good with that peer in future ! Think!

Pay attention to cues, but also keep in mind the importance of timing. For example, if you share something with your partner in the midst of a time when they are in the midst of managing their own dilemmas, they may seem distracted. This is natural and not necessarily a sign they are not disinterested, bored or that they don't want to help. Give them a heads up that you want to have this discussion and you might even let them know that you'd love to talk to them at a time when you can have their undivided attention. This sets you both up for success and gives the conversation the space it needs.

Active listening, compassionate witnessing, a curious and observant demeanor, signal interest and concern. When these are present and reciprocated, you can monitor the depth and breadth of what you are sharing, and synergistically build a mutually beneficial support system for yourself and each other.

Beware of getting taken away with cues and signals. At times the peer can be really smart to fake these. One of the option is to look in to the eyes while discussing and you "may" get a good idea , whether that person is genuinly interested to listen to you and provide a solution !

Getting feedback and checking in are an important part of any relationship. Whether you do so at the end of your conversation or at moments along the way to ensure you're both still heading in the same direction, these checkins will help you gauge how well you and your support partner are communicating and connecting. It will also help you understand what may not be working for either of you and how to change course, if needed, to make sure your time together is most productive.

In my opinion this term looks very formal and when there is a discussion, the following of steps one by one to complete a conversion does not appear. The natural way of doing is to summarize the final take away and get agreed, which can still be treated as a feedback.

I often ask what my peer support person is thinking and feeling to get a read or her emotions and concerns. When we share honestly, even when we are disappointed, upset or angry about a specific issue, monitoring the disclosure and how it feels is paramount to a successful connection.

We seem to be able to find a healthy and supportive balance. We take time to check in with each other before we start to do the work, and if either of us is dealing with an emotional issue, we make time to let each of us download the salient points. Only after we have cleared the air, our minds and our hearts do we tackle the day to day business issues. That way we are each fully present for each other and the work at hand.