What are some effective strategies to assert yourself without being aggressive or passive?

In understanding strategies for assertiveness, it is vital to consider the cultural context in which you communicate. The cultural context is by geography, your role within your community, and your identity. For example, women are expected to avoid conflict and may be socialized to think of others' comfort before their own. It is easy to tell women to be assertive; it is hard to be assertive, and it would put you in a double bind. Similarly, black women may be perceived as angry when asserting themselves as a man would. These are a few examples where culture informs assertiveness, but there are many more.

I believe, post Covid era, has ushered in more virtual meetings than in-person ones. So, now the body language and eye contact contexts need to be modified to suit the virtual meeting world. One way to be assertive without being aggressive or passive in a virtual meeting, is to be focused on the topic and have proper screen presence along with looking at the camera , which kind of gives the impression of eye contact with the other persons in the call. Also, having appropriate hand gestures would also boost the executive presence of the speaker in the virtual meeting room.

One advice I found very helpful is to "own the room". Owning the room when you are in a videocall means that: your face is centered, you make eye-contact with the other participants, you use appropriate gestures to reinforce your key messages. Owning the room during an in-person meeting means that you are actively participating as well as listening, leaning in when required, ensuring everyone has a chance to speak, reinforcing your messages with tone, gestures and appropriate posture. The second chapter of 'Lean In' by Sheryl Sandberg, 'Sit at the Table', offers an interesting perspective on assertive body language.

One great way to practice assertive communication skills is to speak up in a group setting. Hold firm in your thoughts or beliefs, but ask questions and don't avoid confrontation. Instead, meet it head on but in a professional matter. A disagreement on a subject can be professionally debated by asking, "I hear you perspective. In my opinion/experience...." That affords you the opportunity to let that individual know you heard their point of view, but you disagree as opposed to saying, "well your wrong" or "that's not right". You should be calm in speaking as your tone of voice can make any comment sound either aggressive or passive. The goal is to have a conversation about something and not an argument.

Practicing or brainstorming with a colleague helps. Choose a situation that typically triggers feelings of anxiety, anger, or discomfort, such as expressing a disagreement with a colleague, setting a boundary with a friend, or negotiating a salary increase. Then, take turns playing the different roles and practice using assertive language and body language. Focus on using "I" statements, expressing your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, and avoiding blaming, judging, or attacking others. After the role-play, take some time to reflect on what went well and what you could improve on. Consider asking your partner for feedback and suggestions on improving your assertiveness skills.

It’s sometimes difficult to be an effective communicator if you feel you’re being judged unfairly - maybe because you have an accent, a different vocabulary or alternative perspective. Communication apprehension occurs when you don’t feel safe. I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt uncomfortable being myself and that’s directly impacted my ability (and willingness) to share thought and ideas.

Respect for self and others is a higher brain function. If people are triggered they are operating from a lower brain function. It's flight, flight or freeze. They don't have access to the part of the brain that can see another's point of view or that can understand their own deeper needs. That's why getting 'untriggered' first before discussing an issue is very important. There are many common practices for doing this. Take a deep breath and count to 10. Before sending a message regarding a conflict, sleep on it. Look at it again with new eyes in the morning. You might want to reword it. Talk to an objective third party to help you see other perspectives, such as a coach, mentor or friend. Exercise, meditation and journaling can also help.

Showing respect for others is much easier than one would expect. The old adage of "you have to give respect in order to receive respect" still holds true, in my opinion and experience. One of the easiest ways to achieve that is by active listening. Not just listening to what that person is saying, but by demonstrating feedback of head nods or relevant questions. Being a leader in the workplace, you are chosen for that role over others for a specific reason. Demonstrating to them that you are willing to hear their ideas or perspective on business directional matter, demonstrates your respect for them. You are showing you value them, their opinions, and think highly of them, without ever having to actually verbalize those words.

Reaching out to others for advice or help, can sometimes help you learn and grow more than any book or degree can offer. It is not a sign of weakness or lack of knowledge. Instead, to me it shows you are confident enough to be vulnerable and ask for help so you can improve. The more you are willing to improve yourself, the more rounded and versatile of an individual you become. Not only that, you are asserting your confidence in that individual or group that you ask for help from.