What are the most effective strategies for giving feedback to defensive or resistant coachees?

Call it out for what it is in a non judgmental, solution oriented way, and ask for their support on next steps. Lean on language like, “I get the impression that this isn’t landing well. I value our relationship, and I want us to be able to collaborate and share our thoughts successfully. What about this discussion is causing the greatest stress? How can I help alleviate that?” If the conversation has already taken place, you can always circle back and say, “I don’t like how we left off. I want us to be able to partner together effectively. If you were in my shoes, how would you have approached that discussion differently?”

Always appreciate that a defensive response is coming as the person feels like they are under threat therefore - Take time to frame the feedback and be clear on the purpose of it: ensure that they understand it's there to help them improve and grow - Create the opportunity for two way dialogue and give the coach time to respond listening to their viewpoint too: get curious with what is going on for them - Support them to identify and develop next steps offering a way to continue the process

One way that can underlie each interaction is derived from Roger's work, which talks of providing unconditional positive regard to the coachee. This is perhaps the most important step to building and strengthening trust. As a technique, one may try to use the Q sort technique to work with the coachee to co-create a plan that the coachee wants to achieve and hence takes ownership, thus bringing down resistance. At the same time, another important element of unconditional positive regard is helping the coachee to see an area of improvement as a particular behaviour that needs to be changed as opposed looking at the whole self in a negative light. Thus separating specific behavior from the idea of self might help bring down resistance.

Delivering feedback starts with a self-assessment using questions to create space for the coach to deliver a strong message; one that would traditionally be tough to deliver & difficult for people to hear. Once you reset the foundation of trust, you'll have a defensive coacheee open to your feedback. 1. Can I point something out that may be tough for you to look at but can lead to some breakthroughs in your results? 2. You may not like what I have to say. But if I don’t tell you, I would be going against my integrity since my commitment to support you in reaching your goals. I just ask that you hear it that way, okay? 3.Do I have your permission to say something each time I notice you reverting to your old destructive habits or behaviors?

In my humble opinion, it is to put yourself in their shoes first. In fact, I would not coach a defensive or resistant anyone. This is not who they are. Somewhere they are happy people and open, perhaps to family, maybe their mates. Much better to call it a conversation, a chat, preferably in a neutral environment. Explain the reason for the chat if it helps so that you avoid the 'hijack' scenario and from there on in, let them lead you where they want to go. To tell you what they want to you know, knowing it may not be everything. And when they have covered all that they have to say? Ask them, what do they need right now? And where possible (flippant answers may be given, and you can laugh along, with 'if only'), can you help? Then do.

Providing feedback is one of the most uncomfortable positions a coachee can be put in because of the hierarchy. Feedback will trigger someone's fight or flight to go off. Our job as executives/coaches is to limit that response. A few key elements to providing feedback. - Ask the coachee/employee, if they would like feedback on this. - Be very specific, give details about the situation, and circumstance, and never include generalizations or group several 'patterns you see' into the conversation. These blanket statements can automatically put up a wall. - Never use you, which triggers blame. Instead, ask questions like, what can we do differently next time? what other way can we handle this situation in the future?

I use this framework when giving feedback, But I also add in "A", so its SBIA. A meaning alternatives, so how else could you have handled the situation

There are a variety of reasons why feedback may be challenging to hear. The SBI framework can work well for some people but not others. Defensiveness is an emotional reaction, and sometimes trying to counteract that by supplying more facts just makes the client more defensive. It can be helpful to explore the underlying causes of those emotions instead of trying to power through with facts. In those cases, something like the SARA Shock, Anger, Rejection, Acceptance) model can be helpful.

Receiving feedback is a very vulnerable experience. Protective reactions and automated defense mechanisms are to be expected. Most of us struggle with an unregulated nervous system that gets easily triggered. How can the person providing feedback, be cognizant of that? The answer is vulnerability. If I myself as the feedback giver have skin in the game, the playing field is more leveled. That can look like taking responsibility about one’s contribution to the situation. Or being very open about the affect a certain behavior has on me as feedback giver. Admitting to our own emotions and struggle in the situation is allowing the receiving party to open up and to drop the defense.

Powerful questions and using what's in the room to make observations (with permission, sharing what the coach is experiencing when they're with the client) fall more into the realm of coaching than what most people think of as "feedback." With coaching, there should be no judgement or preconceived notion (which most people's concept of feedback usually incorporates) about what is correct/right for the client. The client has the agency to make their own decisions about the path they choose to achieve the outcomes they desire.

Resistance is at the core catabolic energy. As a coach I would explore that energy with my client. Empowering, open-ended question help to understand what beliefs (maybe limiting?) and thoughts are underlying the resistance. Once there is more clarity, the client can make a conscious choice. By reframing the underlying thoughts or beliefs (if that is something the client want and feels is serving them better), resistance might drop.

Positive feedback can contribute to developing a growth mindset when we point out and praise the effort. Sometimes effort doesn't translate into results for some time, and that's fine. When we praise the effort, we encourage our clients to keep trying and stay with the discomfort for a little longer.

Positive reinforcing feedback is such an easy but underutilized practise. The benefits are manifold. The only thing I would add here is to not limit feedback to outcomes only. If we want our coachee to be more detached from outcomes and black and white thinking (as in, if I don’t win, I lose), we should empazise the process. Where do we see progress (regardless of the outcome)? What positive side-effects did we notice with a certain behavior? How have they handled a set-back? Emphazising the process and progress over outcome is the key ingredient of resilience and a growth mindset.

As you build rapport with your coachee it should be easier to give feedback in the future. Once they realise that your previous feedback was useful and helped them to develop or understand themselves or their behaviour better then offering ever more challenging feedback may be possible. Coaching is a journey together with you as their thinking partner; once the trust is built reflecting back on their behaviour and thinking will be transformative.

Sometimes it is most helpful to first explore your client’s relationship to feedback. When in their lives have they had feedback that touched and inspired them and when have they had feedback that demotivated them or brought them down? What is their internal narrative around the people (and their intentions) that have given them feedback?

I think the best way to give feedback to resistant coachees and reports and people in general is to initiate the conversation by asking them to give feedback to themselves. Assuming you have already built trust, the people who are the most resistant to feedback from someone else tend to be the most analytical when it comes to self-assessing. Another way to do it would be to get them to ask their peers, their colleagues, close circle they trust to give them feedback, then you can start from a basis that is from people they trust and go deep from there. Lastly, I would maybe put giving the feedback aside for a moment and explore with the coachee the reasons behind 'the protective shield'. Sometimes that is the biggest feedback!

Bring a trauma-informed approach, which recognizes 'resistance' and 'defensiveness' are indicators that the coachee may be in a state of neurological threat. Part of them is activated, triggered. Bring a grounding presence, create spaciousness, and from your own coherence and creativity, move into openings to support reflection, integration, and learning.

In my experience, being able to receive feedback and demonstrating some sort of change after receiving feedback is a great way to ensure someone is willing to receive feedback from you. So, my advice? Ask for feedback early and often before attempting to give feedback. If someone is resistant, asking them their perspective and leaning into their goals (rather than what you think is best) is a great way to begin to bring down some barriers.

In my practice, I focus on "could not should" language when coaching. As coaches, we have a tendency to tell people what they should do. By nature, should statements create defensive coaching relationships. No coach, method, or model has all of the answers, so approach should be flexible to meet people where they are, ask exploratory questions, and focus on the possible. I focus on the possible with clients by asking "could questions": "What could it look like if you committed to meeting with your leaders weekly?" "What might be possible if you approached that with empathy?" Create possibilities, not demands to build trust and further the impact of your executive coaching practice.