What do you do if your emotional intelligence is lacking during conflicts and difficult conversations?

One way to to stop the escalation of anger or frustration during a conflict is removing yourself from the situation (by warning your partner that you need space to think). Once alone, try to recognize the feeling and name it (for example "I feel judged or I feel ignored or I feel uncared for"). And then, identify the need behind the feeling "I need validation, I need to feel heard or I need affection. The knowledge of your trigger and the need behind it help you regain control over it and approach the situation more calmly.

One of the first things you should do is stop, breath and reflect. Too often we are caught up in the whirlwind of our busy jobs, lives and the world around us and we don't take the time necessary to breath. Step back from the situation, and try to see it in the larger context. Recognize where you have strengths, and where you are weaker. No one is good at everything, and leaning on others when you need help is not a sign of weakness - quite the opposite.

It would take emotional intelligence to notice your deficit in the first place. So... #1: Give yourself credit that you're willing to become aware of what is often an uncomfortable learning gap. That takes self-honest and humility. It takes time to notice a pattern. Forgive yourself if you catch yourself being judgmental or believing stories of guilt or shame. Choose discernment over judgment. You don't need judgment at all to improve.

2) Ask for honest feedback "Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I want to hear what you really think so that I can improve and the only way I can really improve is if you're honest. So you're helping me by telling me the truth." Build enough rapport with people so that they trust you to share the truth without fear of negative consequence.

Hardest part is to remember to take the pause. If you feel yourself getting heated, frustrated, or angry, do one small thing to remind yourself to stop and breath - such as tap your leg or foot, stretch your hand. Some small action can help break the cycle of emotions that may be triggered so you can pause to breathe.

Notice that what you're reacting to is actually thoughts in the form of stories. It's your belief in those stories that you're actually reacting to. It's the stories inside of you you're reacting to, not the person. Cultivate the space between stimulus and response in your daily life through a meditation or mindfulness practice. You can learn to disarm your own bomb/trigger very quickly when you understand the true nature of a "reaction" in the first place.

Empathize with yourself first. Your ability to truly listen to someone else depends upon your ability to: 1) Self-Regulate - Give yourself the attention, empathy and validation that the hurt/triggered part of you wants. When you learn how to soothe yourself, you become better at doing it for others. Self-regulate before you co-regulate. You can't calm their nervous system if yours isn't calm first. 2) Communicate boundaries - It's not always the best time to listen more or empathize more with others. When you overextend yourself beyond your capacity because you think "it's the right thing to do", you often create more harm than good. 3) Validate - It doesn't mean you agree. Your ability to validate an opposing perspective is crucial.

I tell everyone around me that I love being wrong and making mistakes - as it is an opportunity for growth. We are all imperfect and we shouldn't expect perfection from others, or ourselves. In every mistake there is a lesson to be learned, a skill to grow and an opportunity to repair.

In my experience the problem starts before the conversation started as it relates to deciding how and where to have the conversation and what the guiding principles are. Pick a place comfortable for all, sit down, have guidelines of who can talk and when they can talk, ie. an object that moves between participants. Key principle for me - Never attack people, attack actions or inactions of people. I think planning ahead will result in a lessor need for after the fact reflecting when damage is already done.

One important thing is to actually listen. It's very easy to form opinions or make inferences as people speak in a difficult or heated conversation. It is important to actually listen without forming opinions. That way, you can get the full picture before forming opinions. This helps your response to address the issue from a more holistic perspective. Right next to listening is breathing. Deep breaths are crucial in staying calm. Deep breaths while listening, deep breaths before you speak and pausing to take deep breaths as you speak. These go a long way in staying calm. Staying calm can help you rationalise and empathise better.