What do you do if your client lacks assertiveness and confidence in difficult conversations?

Explore with your client the beliefs or assumptions they hold about themselves, their abilities, and the situation. Often, a lack of assertiveness stems from underlying beliefs of inadequacy or fear of conflict.

When addressing a client's lack of assertiveness and confidence in difficult conversations, it's crucial to work on two key areas: Self-Esteem and Emotional Triggers. Enhancing self-esteem involves cultivating a stronger sense of self-worth and belief in one's abilities, which can be achieved through positive affirmations. Identifying and managing emotional triggers is equally important. This involves recognizing the specific situations or comments that lead to feelings of insecurity or silence, and developing strategies to maintain composure and respond assertively. By focusing on these areas, individuals can improve their confidence and become more effective in navigating challenging discussions.

My mentor taught me this valuable lesson - most of us have it backward though: Confidence is NOT a prerequisite for action. Confidence is a result of taking action. Normalize doubt and fear for your client. At the edge of your comfort zone, you will encounter them! Provide the brave space to explore and shift those thoughts that trigger doubt and fear. Because the fear brain does not solve problems well. Some of the biggest challenges my executive clients face? Admitting they don't know. Acknowledging that they are afraid - afraid to fail, to damage a relationship etc. They usually think they are the only one at their level suffering from these doubts. Ironically, this makes them just like everyone else :)

Understanding the roots of a client's lack of assertiveness and confidence is essential for effective coaching. By delving into past experiences and identifying underlying triggers, we can begin to unravel barriers that hinder growth. This self-awareness journey lays the foundation for developing tailored strategies to empower clients in navigating challenging conversations with confidence. T

Gently explore the thoughts and beliefs the coachee has around their lack of assertiveness and confidence. Is it because they have been told this from someone else, or do they have real life examples of how this shows up for them? This needs to be done in a sensitive way with the coachee as it can be challenging for them, and this is where the non-judgement curious approach to coaching comes into its own. The coachee needs to feel safe and not judged so they can really explore what's behind this challenge. Once they have this self-awareness they have the power to plan for change if that's what they want.

Setting goals is a pivotal step in the journey towards assertiveness and confidence. Through personalised conversations and introspection, we uncover what success means for each individual. Together, we map out a roadmap of achievable milestones, guiding clients towards their desired outcomes one step at a time.

It's important to understand what the coachee believes assertiveness and confidence to look like and this may be different from what you and others feel. Do they have a specific situation where they would like to be more assertive or confident? What's important to them? Work through a plan of small steps and to get them to their goal, and ask them how they know when they will be there? It's important to gently challenge their view on judgement of others and question who they want to make this change for - themselves to feel better, or to be more positively viewed by others? If it is the latter it would be worth working on their fear of judgement.

A practical framework is to have the leader envision a specific upcoming situation where they must be assertive, like a performance review or a presentation to senior leadership. We'll then drill down into what success looks like in that scenario: "In the meeting, I will confidently state my recommendations backed up by clear data points." "If challenged, I will restate my rationale while maintaining strong eye contact." "Afterwards, I will schedule a follow-up discussion to reinforce my points." By crystalizing the goal into tangible behaviours, it becomes easier for the leader to visualize and work towards it. Focusing on an imminent situation adds healthy urgency and motivation to implement the new approaches.

Goals are great tools, and we have all heard of SMART goals. However, without emotional relevancy attached to those goals, the client will not have inherent motivation to follow through. So add the "ER" (emotional relevance) to the goals so they are SMART-ER and more likely to be achieved.

I have had success with clients in building assertiveness through role playing. When role playing they are able to see what the issues are. They then have the assignment of practicing it at work after a few times, they have learnt the trick.

a) Self-awareness: I encourage the client to reflect on the reasons behind their lack of assertiveness and confidence. b) Role-playing: As mentioned in the context, role-playing is an excellent way to practice difficult conversations. By simulating the scenarios, the client can experiment with different approaches and responses, which helps build confidence. c) Positive framing: I help the client reframe their thoughts from negative self-talk to positive affirmations. This can shift their mindset and increase their belief in their ability to handle tough discussions. d) Skill development: We work on specific communication skills such as clear articulation of thoughts, active listening, and maintaining composure under pressure.

Assertiveness can be learned and in time this will support improved confidence. It's worth noting with your coachee that this is something that needs constant work. Self belief and self esteem come into play here and it's helpful to work on how the client views themself and how they feel about themself. Identify times when they could practice skills on a smaller scale in the lead up to any bigger events they feel more challenged about. Ask them to assess how they did after each situation, and encourage them to seek feedback from colleagues if helpful. Each time they reflect, encourage them to think about what went well and what they can build on for next time. Small steps lead to big changes over time.

A potent technique to build assertiveness is setting and enforcing personal boundaries. In a case with a coachee who struggled to say “no” at work, we focused on identifying their limits and communicating them clearly to colleagues. We practiced phrases like, "I appreciate your confidence in me, but I need to focus on my current commitments to maintain the quality of my work." This strategy enabled the coachee to take charge of their workload and time, improving professional relationships and boosting self-respect and job satisfaction simultaneously.

An obvious assumption, when a coachee has difficulty in being assertive in a difficult conversation is that the coachee lacks confidence. Confidence can be built up. The coach has to understand the reason of this lack by questioning the client, or by being directly informed by the client and by his observation. This done, the coach needs to pump up the client's self esteem, assure the client that there is nothing which cannot be worked on, improved on, with practice. Start working on the weak areas, give small doable daily tasks. Encourage, praise but point out the blind spots in a positive and gentle manner. Keep the client aware of what areas need further work. Coax the client to start putting to use whatever he is learning with you.

Confidence is lacking because of self doubt. Reframe the questions and change the perspective Ask lots of questions to find the root cause Build trust and take baby steps Plan execution and reach the goal Follow up on weekly basis

Tackling your client's lack of assertiveness and confidence in difficult conversations starts with some serious digging. We must figure out what's been feeding into this—could be past experiences or maybe they just haven't had the best examples to follow. So, it's about gently unraveling those layers, helping them spot the patterns and triggers that are keeping them stuck. Once they're more tuned into themselves, we can start cooking up some strategies together to flip the script on those tough talks.

Emotions will flare everywhere and the workplace is no exception. Suppressing emotions isn't the solution but managing them is. One of the techniques that helped in nurturing " professional emotions" at the workplace beside breathing and choosing the right time to broach a topic is actually practicing some "go to" answers or questions that you can have access to when your confidence is compromised. This is actually not being "fake"but rather being professionally trained to sustain uncomfortable conversations when we lose the grip on emotions.

Boosting your emotional intelligence can strengthen your resilience, helping you handle pushback and share important messages clearly and calmly. Being a resilient leader isn’t about never feeling scared; it’s about knowing how to handle those fears well and turning them into tools for understanding and strength. It’s about identifying and processing complex emotions calmly and thoughtfully.

I would like to emphasize that emotions are a natural and valuable part of the human experience. The ultimate goal is not to suppress or ignore them but rather to acknowledge and channel them in a productive way. We will discuss how emotions such as frustration or defensiveness can often signal that something important is at stake and assertiveness is necessary to address the issue at hand.

Encourage your client to become aware of their thoughts, emotions, and reactions to challenging situations. Teach your client to accept the reality of difficult circumstances and acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Help your client re-frame negative thoughts or interpretations into more positive and empowering ones. Teach your client effective problem-solving skills, such as breaking down problems into manageable steps, generating alternative solutions, and evaluating their effectiveness. Encourage your client to reach out to friends, family, or other sources of support during difficult times. Building a strong support network can provide emotional validation, practical assistance, and perspective.

In coaching a client lacking assertiveness and confidence in difficult conversations, focus on building resilience. Encourage a mindset centered on learning and growth, emphasizing lessons from setbacks and seeking feedback. This approach reframes difficult conversations as opportunities for development, fostering assertiveness and confidence over time.

Foster resilience in your client by emphasizing learning and growth over immediate results. Discuss coping strategies for setbacks, like reflection and seeking feedback, to help them see challenging conversations as developmental opportunities, enhancing their assertiveness.

Building resilience is a crucial aspect of enhancing assertiveness and confidence. As an executive coach, it's important to note that resilience isn't just about bouncing back from setbacks, but also about adapting and learning from them. Encouraging clients to view challenges as learning opportunities can foster a growth mindset, which is key to resilience. Furthermore, seeking feedback can be a powerful tool for improvement and can help clients to better handle future difficult conversations.

One aspect of Resilience includes the ability to sustain an uncomfortable conversation. It might happen a bit more naturally with some executives compared to others yet in any case and in various degrees it is a muscle that is being trained. Every time an Executive makes it through a tough conversation, it becomes a bit easier to them for the next time. It feels like an acquired fierce courage to embark and rumble in awkward rapports at the workplace.

An overlooked tool for boosting assertiveness is storytelling. It's not just about crafting tales, but structuring thoughts in a way that resonates assertively and authentically. I guide clients to frame their needs and boundaries within stories, making their messages more compelling and empathetic. This method transforms how they're perceived, turning overlooked voices into ones that command respect. Storytelling, therefore, isn't just a medium for expression—it's a powerful ally in the journey towards assertiveness.

a) Feedback: I provide constructive feedback on their performance during our coaching sessions, highlighting both strengths and areas for improvement. b) Small steps: I encourage the client to start with less challenging situations to build up their assertiveness gradually. c) Visualization: I guide the client through visualization exercises where they imagine themselves successfully navigating a difficult conversation, which can enhance their sense of preparedness. d) Support system: I advise the client to seek support from peers or mentors who can provide encouragement and advice. e) Encouragement: I remind the client of their past successes and the value they bring to the conversation, reinforcing their confidence.

Assertiveness is not merely an innate characteristic found in certain individuals; instead, it is a skill that can be developed and sharpened through consistent practice. A coach's ongoing support, whether through regular check-ins, assistance with immediate challenges, or identifying new or alternative strategies, is vital in developing this skill and maintaining the momentum of change.

Confidence and the ability to sustain but also optimize a rough conversation at work can fluctuate. It might feel sometimes like you have been derailed and that you have lost all the skills that you have acquired in order to grow through uncomfortable conversations and this is absolutely normal. It is a long haul journey and having a professional by you side can really help you assess the situation and go back on track.

When my clients struggle with assertiveness and confidence in tough conversations, I guide them towards, 'strategic self-empowerment. We start by pinpointing specific areas of concern, crafting tailored goals for improvement. Together, we delve into scenarios, employing techniques like controlled exposure to gradually build confidence. Key to this process is mastering emotional regulation, transforming anxiety into constructive action. By embedding resilience practices and offering steadfast support, my clients emerge not just more assertive, but with a newfound sense of self-assurance ready to face any challenging dialogues head-on.

All the above points are valuable. Personally, when a client lacks assertiveness and confidence, I find it important to help them develop self-awareness by identifying triggers and thought patterns during such interactions. By reframing or building more helpful beliefs and mindsets, we can overcome these barriers. Targeted skill-building exercises and real-life scenarios can be helpful to guide them in learning assertive communication techniques and confidence-building strategies to navigate challenging conversations with more ease.

When my clients lack assertiveness and confidence (every person with a different variant), I help them connect to their core selves. Finding what they are losing or gaining by not being assertive and confident. What are the underlying patterns, mindsets and emotional triggers? When were they able to demonstrate and why? who are they being when they can or not? Externalisation, emotional regulation, SF techniques, and role play among others with deliberate actions and support help them change the inner dialogue and respond differently to the situation. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed - only converted from one form of energy to another.

Practice practice practice.. I would coach my client with some role playing to help them slowly build resilience in difficult conversations. They will be open for experimentation and learning as they will feel they are in a safe environment. Next step is for them to start choosing to have difficult conversations. Most of the time they are working hard to avoid them. We would encourage them to find opportunities to practice with friends, family or a trusted colleague at work. The more they practice being assertive the more confidence they get in dealing with difficult conversations.

Role playing or teaching people to mentally walk through scenarios. I've had a lot of success with having people mentally walkthrough situations and soft role play scenarios. It was surprising to me that a lot of people don't actually do this because I imagine everything down to fighting a dragon and how'd I'd handle that...you know, just in case. It's worked a lot for people I've worked with; I think seeing themselves doing it repeatedly helps them prepare for the actual situation and behaviorally reshapes their actions when triggering does actually occur. Same reason witnesses are prepped for trial, yea? It helps reshape behaviors and signaling.