What do you do if a coworker becomes defensive during a difficult conversation?

Manter a calma é fundamental quando lidamos com um colega defensivo. ??♂? Ao manter o controle emocional, estabelecemos um ambiente propício para uma conversa produtiva e respeitosa.

Listen attentively to your coworker's concerns and perspectives without interrupting or becoming defensive yourself. Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging their feelings and validating their experiences.

If needed, politely excuse yourself for a moment, letting them know when you'll be back. Do a few grounding exercises to help calm your nervous system. And, it's also important to remember that their defensiveness is a reflection of their own perceptions. It's not personally about you. This mindset can help you approach the conversation with empathy, understanding and patience.

I think the first thing which people need to understand is that you cannot control others behaviours, only your own. In as much as you may wish to direct individuals in the moment, there is certainly more value in demonstrating. The 'what to do's' are fairly common knowledge however, knowing something in theory is very different to putting this into action. If individuals can start to see the 'change' in actions, these will be far more powerful takeaways.

Empathetic listening can be a difficult skill to get right. There is a high demand in the world of good listeners, many job adverts ask for this in role requirements, but how do we know if we’re good at listening? We can think that we’re good listening, but unless the other person feels heard then we’re not. Empathetic listening needs is to be completely present with the other person. I’m not talking the simple things like closing your laptop and putting your mobile phone away. Being present to be able to listen empathetically requires us to put all of our own thoughts, prospectives, and bias beliefs into a box for a short period of time, close the lid, and not let them out until the conversation has finished.

One of the most valuable skills I've learned in difficult conversations is active listening. Instead of merely hearing what the other person is saying, I make a conscious effort to understand their perspective fully. This involves giving them my undivided attention, refraining from interrupting, and acknowledging their emotions. Active listening fosters empathy and trust, which can help reduce defensiveness and facilitate constructive dialogue.

Words, without context, are just that, words! Remove all distractions, as far as possible, specifically your handheld device. As soon as that 'beep' draws your attention away from the physical person/ s in the conversation, you are no longer listening, rather, wondering what that notification may be. It will show in your body language and it 'implies' undermining the importance of the conversation taking place at that moment.

Active listening goes beyond words to capture the unsaid. Pay attention to tone, body language, and emotions conveyed. It's about empathizing and understanding the speaker's perspective deeply.

Using "I" statements is an effective way to express my thoughts and feelings without coming across as accusatory. By taking ownership of my emotions and experiences, I avoid placing blame on the other person, which can trigger defensiveness. For example, saying "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You always make me angry when..." promotes open communication and encourages the other person to listen without becoming defensive.

It is important to seek feedback from trusted colleagues on your use of body language. We are often more aware of, and pay more attention to the verbal aspects of conversation, forgetting about the 'non-verbal' which in and of itself can be far more lasting as well as damaging on the original intent of the outcome. We do not observe our own body language, reach out, get constructive feedback and work on any questionable issues because these will supersede your attempts to articulate better framed statements.

Collaboration is key when addressing conflicts or challenges in the workplace. Rather than imposing my own solutions, I prefer to engage in a dialogue with the other person to brainstorm ideas together. By involving them in the problem-solving process, I demonstrate respect for their input and increase the likelihood of finding solutions that meet both our needs. This collaborative approach fosters a sense of ownership and promotes a positive working relationship.

You may also want to consider how you may react if you are the person that has become defensive following something that a co-worker has said. In this situation it can help to provide some structure to your response. In these situations I find the FBI tool helpful: Feelings - explain your feelings. Behaviours - the behaviours that have made you feel this way. Impact - describe the impact that this has had. Whether that be on you, the team, the customer or the organisation.