What communication pitfalls make conflicts worse?

1 Blaming and accusing

One of the worst communication pitfalls in conflicts is blaming and accusing the other person for the problem. This can make them feel attacked, defensive, and resentful. It can also prevent you from taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and from understanding the other person's perspective. Instead of blaming and accusing, try to use "I" statements that express your feelings, needs, and expectations without judging or criticizing the other person. For example, instead of saying "You are always late and irresponsible", say "I feel frustrated and anxious when you don't show up on time".

3 Generalizing and exaggerating

A third communication pitfall in conflicts is generalizing and exaggerating the situation or the other person's behavior. This can make the conflict seem bigger, more complex, and more difficult to resolve. It can also create a negative and distorted image of the other person, and trigger emotional reactions and defensiveness. Instead of generalizing and exaggerating, try to be specific and factual about the issue and the impact it has on you and the relationship. Use concrete examples, avoid words like "always", "never", "everything", and "nothing", and focus on the present rather than the past or the future.

4 Denying and avoiding

A fourth communication pitfall in conflicts is denying and avoiding the problem or your own feelings. This can make the conflict fester, grow, and resurface later. It can also prevent you from expressing your needs and boundaries, and from addressing the underlying causes and consequences of the conflict. Instead of denying and avoiding, try to acknowledge and accept the reality and the emotions of the situation, and communicate them clearly and respectfully. Don't ignore or suppress your feelings, but don't let them overwhelm or control you either.

5 Threatening and manipulating

A fifth communication pitfall in conflicts is threatening and manipulating the other person to get what you want or to punish them for what they did. This can make the conflict more hostile, violent, and destructive. It can also damage the trust, respect, and cooperation between you and the other person, and create a win-lose or lose-lose scenario. Instead of threatening and manipulating, try to negotiate and collaborate with the other person to find a mutually beneficial and sustainable solution. Don't use coercion, intimidation, or deception, but rather honesty, fairness, and goodwill.

6 Criticizing and name-calling

A sixth communication pitfall in conflicts is criticizing and name-calling the other person's character, personality, or appearance. This can make the conflict more personal, emotional, and hurtful. It can also prevent you from focusing on the issue and the behavior, and from respecting the dignity and worth of the other person. Instead of criticizing and name-calling, try to give constructive feedback and suggestions that are relevant, specific, and respectful. Don't attack or insult the person, but rather describe the behavior and the effect it has on you and the situation.