What are the common emotional intelligence pitfalls and how to avoid them?

In the Interpersonal Dynamics course I taught at the Stanford Graduate School of Business (aka Touchy Feely) we often said "it takes two to know one". Without others we can't clearly see our own strengths (or weaknesses). Thousands of alums (and now, hundreds of participants in the Leaders in Tech programs I co-founded) have consistently said their most valuable lesson was the input from peers and colleagues that helped them recognize distortions in their self-perception. An obvious question that follows is "how do I get that?" And an obvious answer might be "just ask". A less obvious answer lies in learning how to building interpersonal competencies that build stronger relationships, trust and results in more confidence in asking.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is a vital skill for improving organizational development (OD), but it can be undermined by common pitfalls. The first pitfall to avoid is overconfidence, which can lead to poor decisions, conflicts, and missed opportunities. To avoid this, practice self-awareness and self-regulation, two of the four components of EI. Self-awareness means being honest and realistic about your strengths and weaknesses, and seeking feedback from others. Self-regulation means being able to control your impulses, emotions, and actions, and to adapt to changing circumstances. By avoiding overconfidence and enhancing your EI, you can improve your OD efforts and work more effectively with colleagues, clients, and stakeholders.

Honestly, a fragile/poorly developed ego is the biggest and most challenging pitfall. Everybody has an ego and we cannot divorce ourselves from it, but still, we all need to work on our egos until our last breath. This is not necessarily just work related, but developing balanced human beings is just key and such underestimated and undervalued work. Every good good leader and manager are only good because they are brave enough to be true and honest and, most importantly, they are not afraid to work on themselves and also their ego. A balanced ego can receive feedback, see their own part in it, act upon it and still not put themselves below anybody else.

Common emotional intelligence pitfalls include lack of self-awareness, misreading others, over-regulating emotions, over-rotating on corrective actions, ignoring the emotional climate, inadequate empathy, and misuse of emotional information. To avoid these pitfalls, practice self-reflection, ask clarifying questions with a curious mind, balance emotional expression, pay attention to others' emotional cues, engage in active listening, and use emotional insights ethically. Self-regulation is also essential. Emotions are normal and expected. Choose how you show up and choose wisely. These strategies enhance understanding and management of emotions in personal and professional interactions.

Overconfidence can certainly blind you to your faults, although I wouldn't say it's a pitfall of EI. Rather, I believe it's a pitfall of being human, which can be overcome by working on your emotional intelligence. The same can be true of these other "pitfalls."

To avoid underestimation and enhance EI, one should practice self-confidence and self-efficacy. Self-confidence is having a positive and realistic view of oneself and their abilities, while self-efficacy is having a sense of control and agency over one's actions and outcomes. Underestimation can make one feel insecure, anxious, or inferior, leading to avoidance or seeking validation from others. This can affect relationships and prevent expression of ideas, opinions, or emotions. Developing self-confidence and self-efficacy can help individuals assert themselves in different situations and cope with challenges and setbacks, thereby avoiding the pitfall of underestimation and enhancing their EI.

See my response above to the overconfidence pitfall, since "it takes two to know one" applies here as well. Whether it is overconfidence or under confidence, we absolutely need others to help us more clearly see our own strengths and weaknesses. Being seen as hugely competent by someone we admire and respect goes a long way to helping us feel more confident. An obvious question that follows is "how do I get that from others?" And an obvious answer might be "just ask". A bunch of less obvious answers lie in learning how to develop stronger interpersonal competencies which in turn builds stronger relationships, trust, and results in more confidence in both asking and believing the other person is telling you the truth.

Insensitivity can negatively impact organizational development, but it can be avoided by practicing social awareness and empathy. Social awareness involves being able to understand the emotions, moods, and dynamics of others and the environment, and to adjust your behavior accordingly. Empathy involves being able to feel and share the emotions of others, and to show genuine care and concern for their well-being. By being socially aware and empathetic, you can avoid being perceived as rude, arrogant, or indifferent, and you can build rapport, trust, and cooperation with others. Developing these skills can enhance your emotional intelligence and contribute to your professional success.

All of which deteriorates or impacts building trust. The most important personal need that every employee and manager needs.

Insensitivity is my favorite pitfall that was mentioned. It was perfectly stated that a lack of “other” awareness is insensitive. Not only do we need to be self-aware. We also need to be aware of how others are reacting and responding to us verbally and non-verbally. Having emotional intelligence is a foundational skill to co-exist in a healthy way with anyone!

"Practicing" social awareness and empathy is easier said than done. In the book I co-authored we discuss the idea that we are all equipped with "two antennae"-- one oriented inward and being in touch with what is going on for me and the other outward to what might be going on for you. Honing BOTH these antennae are critical in developing higher emotional intelligence. Further, both of these require overcoming the way many have been socialized to dismiss emotions (especially in business.) Finally, empathy is impossible in the presence of judgment.

Authenticity is often overlooked, and I've concluded many need clarification on their own identity. Many have spent years shaping a professional (and personal) persona based on some set of factors. As a result, when expected to be authentic, people struggle. Overcoming this takes a lot of hard work, objective analysis, and self reflection. Only when you understand who you truly are can you show up authentically. To be clear, that doesn't mean letting it all hang out. There's an art and science to framing and adapting your authenticity situationally. While hard, a critical opportunity area everyone should develop. The expectation for authenticity is only going to rise, as will the consequences of being discovered as inauthentic.

Authenticity is key to building trust and establishing meaningful relationships in the workplace. To avoid the pitfall of inauthenticity in EI, you need to foster an environment that encourages open and honest communication. You can do this by leading by example and sharing your own emotions and thoughts, setting expectations for respectful and constructive feedback, and creating opportunities for team members to express themselves freely. By being genuine and transparent, you can create a culture that values authenticity and allows individuals to develop their EI skills in a safe and supportive environment. This can lead to better collaboration, problem-solving, and overall organizational performance.

"To thy own self be true" Recognize your strengths and practice self-awareness, self-improvement, and mediation. Encourage open communication, ask questions, learn from the expertise of others, question inexperience and be open to challenging the status quo. Seek to learn and understand how to differentiate between emotional and result-driven conflicts, fostering constructive discord. Embody the confidence to admit mistakes, communicate transparently, and set the clear goal of collaborate in problem-solving with a shared goal of propelling the whole team forward. Listen, Learn and Embolden your team. A leaders strength and single greatest factor in determining success is the team your surround yourself with.

What tends to help all humans improve, and be less likely to fall prey to emotional intelligence 'pitfalls' is the opportunity for external, trained, objective advice (i.e., from a therapist, coach and/or mentor). It's easy to say that we should "practice emotional congruence" or "practice social awareness and empathy" but if one lacks the tools, has an undiagnosed condition and/or remains clouded from prior traumas, it is much easier said than done.

In addition to the four pitfalls of emotional intelligence and how to avoid them, it's important to consider other factors that can impact your EI development and performance. For example, mindfulness, which is the practice of being present, focused, and non-judgmental in the moment, can enhance your self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy, and reduce your stress and distractions. Another factor is cultural intelligence, which is the ability to understand and appreciate the cultural differences and similarities of others, and to adapt your behavior and communication accordingly. By developing your mindfulness and cultural intelligence, you can broaden and deepen your EI, and enhance your OD efforts.

A lot of people don't realize that emotional intelligence can be learned/enhanced-- decades of teaching "touchy feely" at the Stanford Business School has shown me otherwise. Among the most important initial steps is updating mental models (those beliefs and assumptions that are often routed in outdated experiences.) For example, as the first woman in a male engineering department at the start of my career I was taught there was NO place for feelings in the workplace. A lesson that served me well until 10 years later after being repeatedly promoted none of the people who worked for me saw me as "human." Updating my mental model led to even more success than following the original advice I got.

- People Pleasing: Constantly trying to make everyone happy can lead to burnout and resentment. Set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. - Ignoring Negative Feedback: Taking criticism personally hinders growth. Seek constructive feedback and use it to improve your EQ skills. - Emotional Contagion: Absorbing the emotions of others can be overwhelming. Develop healthy emotional boundaries and practice self-care techniques. - Overusing Empathy: While empathy is important, focusing solely on others' feelings can neglect your own needs. Maintain a balance between empathy and self-awareness.

I think this article is written from a perspective of not knowing what EI is... maybe because it was written by AI? But it needs to back to the drawing board. These are pitfalls of not having good EI. Not pitfalls of having EI. ?? keep trying.