What are the best ways to mediate a conflict between family members?

Listen. Listening to what is said and what is omitted and simply acknowledging each party's perspective and ensuring that they have been heard, is a good foundation. So many disputes arise and have become embedded and feel unfixable because parties haven't had the opportunity to ventilate and be heard. Once that has happened, many are open to teh idea of exploring options to resolve matters

There are many different approaches to mediation, but when it comes to family conflicts, I think a pure facilitative model is best. Allow a bit of venting during the discussion, because sometimes the family members need that. Also, be sure to make the parties feel heard by frequent restating and summarizing. Try to get as much out on the table as possible when all of the parties are in the room together. Do your best to explore the underlying needs and interests of the parties, and not just the positions they initially brought to the table to discuss.

Set ground rules for how the discussion will take place, so things remain calm and everyone gets equal opportunity to be heard. Try to focus on the issues, not the person. It may seem obvious, but family conflict is filled with emotions. Remind folks to use "I" messages to express themselves. As in, "I feel upset when..." Also remind them not make general accusations, like "You're such a ____." It can be helpful to meet in a neutral location in public, like a restaurant or coffee shop, to avoid anyone feeling cornered. If there is any kind of agreement, build positive energy around that and try to keep that momentum going.

Pray first. Pray for wisdom and discernment for all involved, by name, and for respect and cooperation. And mean it. Then ask about each of the individuals and their families. Look at pictures of their kids on their cell phones, then pass around the cell phones with the pictures. I then tell a brief but transparent story about myself--something embarrassing, but funny now. That makes others more likely to open up. Then ask how I can help, and have each person briefly respond. I am a member of a lawyer organization in which I meet with divorced parents who have been fighting in court for years over their children. I've done this dispute resolution numerous times, and have helped the parents reach an agreement every time.

I always find that it helps to get a dialogue started by finding the things the family can all agree on (even if they are small things and not the major issue at hand), and then work outwards from there. If the family can be reminded that they still have some common goals or thoughts, that goes a long way to getting them to begin to discuss possible compromises they can make.

Mediating family conflict through open dialogue involves creating a safe and neutral space where everyone feels heard. Start by establishing ground rules for respectful communication. Encourage each family member to share their feelings and perspectives without interruption. Use active listening techniques, such as paraphrasing and summarizing, to ensure understanding. Foster empathy by having members reflect on each other's viewpoints. Focus on common goals and collaborative problem-solving to rebuild trust and strengthen family bonds. Mediation can transform family conflictual relationships. Mediation can restore peace among family members in conflict with true open dialogue!

Every person needs to be able to speak and to be heard. It is human nature as a mediator to want to suppress angry expressions or to try to moderate the message, but in family resolutions a mediator cannot be afraid to stand in the middle of a fire and to let the parties share how they feel. Only once they know that they are in a safe space to be heard, can a person begin to listen to the others involved in the conflict.

You have to get rid of the family baggage first. Once you can discard or at least set aside, the family background controversies, then you can address the issue at hand.

I believe a fundamental part of the mediation process is allowing people to feel heard. If only one person is engaged with the process, this will be through individual meetings with the mediator. For multiple parties, this may be through joint meetings. Allowing each party to have uninterrupted time to talk about what they feel the issues or problems are, how they feel and how they would like things to be ideally (without other parties interrupting) can help to enable parties to feel heard. Using open questions which are not leading is essential. Open questions can also be beneficial in ensuring actions/next steps are realistic and achievable for any parties involved.

While most of my Pennsylvania law practice concerns family law, particularly divorces and child custody, occasionally I handle guardianships of incapacitated persons. Some of those involve elderly parents with adult children disagreeing over their parent's care and finances. While our family courts focus on settlement and conciliation conference, Orphans' Court, where guardianships are heard, does not. There's just a hearing in front of a judge with a sometimes harsh result. Believe me, an adult child who feels brother or sister is taking advantage of a parent or that a parent has been playing favorites, is just as emotionally charged a situation as any divorce. Mediation allows the family members to all be heard and work things out.

I have handled many estate disputes, family business disputes and partition cases involving "heirs" property. Mediation can be a great forum for resolving these types of cases. Find a mediator who understands people, not just the law, and who encourages "outside the box" thinking. Sometimes, the right solution for a family-based dispute is less about money and more about feelings or respect. Other times, the dispute results from thinking that the only options are "A" or "B," but no one has considered "C."

Las soluciones pueden llegar en conjunto, si aún así el conflicto persiste entonces se propone una alternativa como padre para evitar que el conflicto escale. Y se vuelve a proponer que se retome el diálogo más adelante.

Solution focussed approaches are incredibly powerful in Family Law. Choosing a goal which is mutually beneficial, for example; 'giving the children a safe and secure childhood' and then working towards that outcome lowers the risk of partisan and entrenched positions being adopted. If everyone is focussed on what is best, negative and counterproductive comments and actions which can often unravel a negotiation then often fall away.

Fomentar el compromiso en una familia implica promover la comunicación abierta y honesta, donde cada miembro se sienta escuchado y valorado. Establece metas comunes y actividades compartidas que fortalezcan los lazos, como cenas familiares o proyectos conjuntos. Reconoce y celebra los logros individuales y colectivos, lo que refuerza el sentido de pertenencia. Fomenta la empatía y la comprensión mutua, alentando a ponerse en el lugar del otro. Establece reglas claras y justas, y maneja los conflictos con respeto y paciencia. La consistencia y el apoyo mutuo son claves para cultivar un compromiso sólido y duradero en la familia.

Con los hijos ya sean ni?os o adolescentes hay que repetir varias veces que se tienen derechos y obligaciones, y que estos se deben hacer valer para que las relaciones familiares fluyan de la mejor manera posible. Es importante que sepan que como padres los amamos y que fomentamos eso entre ellos también.

One thing I’ve found helpful is reminding the parties that their family bond and future intertwined lives is more important and transcends the current conflict.

It's important to be aware of past roles the parties have played in the family dynamic and ensure those past roles are not adversely influencing the relationship dynamic. People have a tendency to revert back to roles they used to hold in the family and sometimes conflict comes from the acceptance or rejection of previous behavior patterns.

Set the scene by stating that a negotiation is where no one wins but that the trade off is that no one loses - everyone gets something. Individuals are generally more receptive to walking away with something rather than nothing.

En familia la repetición de las reglas, los acuerdos, los derechos y las obligaciones es una tarea diaria. No solo para que en el hogar haya equilibrio, sinpo porque eso es lo que se llevan a la escuela con sus amigos y es lo que van a reflejar en su desarrollo e interacción con los demás. Esa es la forma como ellos también buscarán resolver el conflicto.

Prior to meeting, using a consent agenda is helpful to focus and streamline mediation without parties being distracted by familial issues that can derail constructive conversations. Ensure the parties all agree on time constraints, issues to be addressed and agreed upon facts. That allows more time to efficiently address those exact issues that one or all parties disagree upon. And in fact sometimes realize that there is more agreed upon than not and may be a misunderstanding based on the agreed upon facts.

When there is a conflict between family members a mediator should understand when the deep conflict began. This may help to bridge the gap to help reach resolve. A mediator is not a psychologist, they may not be able to rehabilitate the fracture of the family members. However, reaching a resolution may be a start to help the family move beyond their internal conflict.

The previous advice seems to entirely overlook the emotional component that is usually an aspect of such mediations. It is crucially important for mediators to approach such mediations with both the sensitivity and preparation to surface and address underlying emotional issues that can and often do present obstacles to resolution.

I find that a Pre-Mediation Conference with counsel and the Mediator can be an effective way for the Mediator to get a better sense of the barriers to settlement and the parties’ sentiments in advance of Mediation day. This candid dialogue with counsel can help the Mediator in their approach to getting to a compromise.