How do you set and maintain healthy boundaries as an executive?

Being clear on your priorities is only part of the challenge. The other half is knowing how to effectively communicate them to those in your life. Establishing and reinforcing your boundaries is a sign of someone prioritizing their well-being. Not be confused with selfish, putting yourself and your needs first allows you the opportunity to address what’s most important.

Your job can take over your entire life if you are not careful. There will always be something to do; something that requires your attention immediately. There are competing demands for your time and attention. Boundaries (limits set by you and communication by you) is how you successfully get through it.

Most every executive that I speak with, or a coach, feels they are overwhelmed…and underappreciated. There is no logic for this. Overwhelm is a choice. Often driven by fear. We fear the judgment of others if we begin to draw boundaries. We can also have this deep-seated story that in order to be a hero, we are required to self sacrifice. That is simply an age old mythology and doesn’t have to be your reality. You do not have to self sacrifice in order to be a hero.

As a leader, if the example you set is one lacking in work/life balance, you're essentially telling your team to do the same. This risks burnout, lack of engagement, and reduced productivity. Limit your calendar availability to reasonable working hours. Take vacation time and do your best NOT to work or otherwise be visible while you're out. If you need to catch up on emails on a Saturday, that's fine but put a delay on the delivery for Monday morning, so your team doesn't feel like they have to respond on the weekend. Make time to regularly exercise -- protect that time and even advertise it, so it's safe for others to follow suit. Setting clear boundaries is not just a nice to have; it's a business imperative that leaders must get right.

Set your boundaries, communicate them widely and then role mode them. Practise what you preach. Is it necessary to send emails out of hours when you can schedule them to arrive at a more sociable time? No. The more senior you become acknowledge that a trite “I’m just housekeeping and don’t expect a reply” won’t work as everyone will still read the email and even if they don’t reply, could still worry about it!!

Here’s how I work with executives and clients on setting boundaries. First draw a plus sign on a sheet of paper. Next, place the following theme in one of the four quadrants: Wellness, Finances, Career and Relationship (to self and others). Now for each area, list out the your top 3-5 non-negotiable’s - areas that are important to you. Finally, for each item listed, write down who can support you in maintaining them and how can you effectively communicate the importance of these items to others. This is an exercise that anyone can do but having a coaches support is a value add.

We train the people around us to rely on us. It’s really nice that we want to help, volunteer, and fix other’s messes, but, how’s that’s really working for us? How’s it working out for them?

Heroes have a hard time saying no. I remember working 70+ hours per week as a litigator and sitting on two not-for-profit boards at the same time. Of course my family paid the price for my absence. I didn’t know how to say no. Over commitment is one of the great traps of the hero. I had to learn to say no. I would say I am already fully committed. If I say yes to you that means I won’t be able to live up to a commitment to someone else or perhaps even to you. That would turned me into a liar and someone who can’t be depends on to live up to their commitments. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to do that. So I politely have to say no. I’m sure you understand.

It’s important to remember that someone else’s boundaries may look different than yours and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to be like others but to be true to yourself and your own needs.

Communication is key. "I appreciate that you need my time, but that time is not available." "Yes, I can help you with that; just not now." If you don't communicate people won't know. Keep in mind that there is a "too late" communication tipping point. When you are at a boiling point. When you are there, your communication will get misconstrued due to your delivery.

Not everyone is going to respect or like your boundaries and that’s okay. The goal Isn’t to have everybody align but rather feeling empowered to speak up (when necessary) as to why you have established them. When you encounter people who simply don’t understand why you have established boundaries it may be a sign they are one of the reasons why you created them.

I’ve learned that when drawing boundaries, the most important thing is to speak for myself, and not the other person. I try to keep the word “you” out of the conversation as much as possible.

An important aspect in the area of boundaries has to do with clarity. 1. Are you clear what your boundary is, why it is important to you and what you are gaining by holding it (e.g., time, energy, focus...)? 2. Have you communicated it in a clear, straightforward manner to others? 3. Are you clear with yourself and others what actions you will take if someone pushes on your boundaries? Many people like the idea of boundaries, but tend to instigate them when they are frustrated, stressed so the communication can be unclear. Taking the time to set up scenarios will help you stay calm and clear even when your boundaries are challenged.

If you don’t manage your own boundaries, it’s difficult to challenge others. Especially upwards. However if you don’t manage upwards and you work for someone who works 24/7 you only have yourself to blame if you don’t tackle this early and effectively and agree a compromise. The longer you leave this in a new line manager relationship the harder it becomes to resolve.