How do you handle hostile people in conflict?

In my experience, asking questions allows the other person to further expand on their thoughts without feeling threatened. Try asking, “Can you give me an example of when I did…?” or “What can I do to change this situation?”

In high-conflict situations, ensuring that each person feels deeply seen, understood, and validated authentically is critical. To do this, I need to ask enough questions to understand the fears and wounds beneath what may be presented on the surface, and then people generally feel safe and can let go a bit.

I always tell people that you have to know when to hit the reset button. When temperatures rise, it is difficult to see other perspectives. Hit the reset button, take the step back, cool down, and then try to address the issue again.

Not only should one be calm and composed, but it is important to be sure that you are safe. This means that you are not blocking the exit, if the hostile person feels the need to flee. Your physical position, while still considering your own safety and ability to physically pivot as needed, should match that of the other person. If the hostile person is standing, you stand. It they sit, then you sit.

Recognize your own stress response. If your heart starts racing and you feel on edge, it may be time to take a break. Can you identify a time to come back and address the conflict? If you force yourself to continue without a break, you risk escalating the situation.

Listen to the words, find the root concern, name it and then address the behavior One of the harder skills to develop is to first listen to the words to find the message and to not focus on how the message is delivered When someone is unexpectedly upset with us, it triggers our fight or flight response - and our reactions often escalate tensions Train yourself to listen to what is being said, and once you get to a common understanding, set boundaries around what communication looks like going forward

This early stage of the encounter is when your non-judgmental kindness can make a huge difference! Being genuine in your empathy is important. Nothing will kill the rapport with the other faster, than being disingenuous.

Give the person your full attention, not glancing at phones, email, out the window, etc. (but also not staring them down). At appropriate times nod, ask questions or make empathetic comments ("that must have been really difficult for you"), etc. so that they know you're engaged and listening.

The biggest key to empathizing in a high-conflict situation is to validate their feelings. You can validate a person's frustrations, anger, etc. without having to validate negative behavior. Stating you understand why they are feeling the way they are can make the most impact de-escalating them. You are seeing them as human, and they are feeling seen by you.

For example, if the other person began to threaten me, I would be inclined to ask questions about the consequences of the proposed threat. This can engage their brain into reasoned thought over reactive actions.

Ask the person what they think some read: multiple) solutions might be. Suggest going to get a coffee/beverage together so you can work together to find a solution that works for you both.

When you've tried these other suggestions and resolution isn't happening, it's important to know company policy and your legal rights. For example, if someone is fostering a hostile work environment and you report it to your employer, [California] state law requires that the employer address it. This includes a grievance policy - and a grievance form available to employees. You also have the option to go to HR. And if the employee in question retaliates, you report this as well because retaliation and reprisal generally calls for immediate termination. Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding about what assertiveness is and isn't, lack of understanding of your rights as an employee, allow issues to continue. Be proactive and assertive.

Keep in mind, regardless of your training, your safety is paramount. If you feel that you are in danger, honor yourself and leave, without turning your back. Simply say "excuse me."

Be sure to reach out to a trusted friend or colleague to talk about what happened - find support here. In verbalizing the experience, you can learn more. As well, physically writing in a journal can give you an opportunity to reflect on it whenever you encounter similar situations. Just as you were kind to the hostile person, be kind to yourself.

When the conflict escalates here’s a pattern interrupt that will ease the tension: Bring the elephant into the room and paint a new vision. It sounds like this: “This is awkward and uncomfortable, but we’re both smart people, and we don’t have to be in conflict this time next week. I see us working through this, coming to an agreement, and eventually this will be water under the bridge. Let’s take a break and get together next Tuesday once we’ve had time to process all the options.” This method puts you back in the present, offers a needed break, and new possibility for the future.

One of the more important things when meeting people, before they get to the hostile stage is to gain rapport where possible. This reduces the chance of hostility, and if the person becomes hostile, then use that rapport in engaging with them. They are much more likely to be open to discussions.

Your affect, tone of voice, energy, choice of words and cadence is very important. Often those in crisis have feelings of NOT being understood, being misunderstood, or misdiagnosed. Use reflective listening, be a mirror reciting back verbatum what the IP is saying. In doing so that person knows you actually heard what he/she is saying. You must get to see and view the situation through the IPs eyes, and not just through your eyes. You must be calm, non-threatening, and genuinely interested in the person and be the warm, caring, concerned listener and helper that the IP clearing has been missing. Once the IP starts to mimick your physical movements and repeats what you say, you know you are on the right track to helping them.