Conflict resolution is a vital skill for any professional, but sometimes it can go wrong and damage trust and relationships. How can you recover from a conflict resolution breakdown and restore positive communication and collaboration? Here are some tips to help you repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown.
The first step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to acknowledge the problem and take responsibility for your part in it. Don't ignore, deny, or blame others for what happened. Instead, express your regret and apologize sincerely for any harm or hurt you caused. Acknowledging the problem shows that you care about the other person and the relationship, and that you are willing to learn from your mistakes.
A word of caution. A common mistake that we make during conflict resolution is attempting to resolve conflict before acknowledging strong emotions. When emotions are high and feelings are in control, your ability to think and behave rationally will be impaired. What’s worse, your ability to give or receive an apology, to listen actively, and to communicate effectively will be diminished by strong emotions. This is because conflict resolution requires that all parties involved are reasonable, rational, and desiring of peace. Failing to ensure that everyone is emotionally ready for conflict resolution will almost certainly lead to conflict evolution. Accordingly, a pre-step to conflict resolution may need to be conflict deescalation.
Some ways to get started is by seeking a meeting with the person you have caused harm. Select a private space at a convenient time for both of you, free of distraction. Speak with a sincere tone and from the “I” perspective only. Avoid trying to justify the reasons of your behavior. Instead, spend time validating the negative impact that your actions had on the other person. Identify key values that you appreciate of the other person and mention these values to sustain the conversation. Be an attentive listener next!
Before you step in to address the conflict in dialogue, take time to reflect internally and try to diagnose what is at the root of the situation. What are the feelings you are experiencing and what needs are not being met that are causing you to feel this way? What possible assumptions or bias might you be making about the other person's motivations or behaviors? What strategies have you tried in the past and how has that worked? What did you contribute to escalate or exacerbate the situation? What about the other person? If you don't prepare yourself to consider another perspective, you aren't likely to move the dialogue forward in a productive way.
The second step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to listen and empathize with the other person's perspective and feelings. Don't interrupt, argue, or defend yourself. Instead, show genuine interest and curiosity, and ask open-ended questions to understand their point of view. Empathize with their emotions and validate their concerns. Listening and empathizing shows that you respect the other person and the relationship, and that you are open to feedback and improvement.
One thing I've found helpful is recognizing when I think I'm empathizing when I'm still in my own head about the topic and not fully listening. Faking empathy can happen without your realizing it. If you stay vigil and truly open minded, you'll start to catch yourself when you are in the act and calling yourself out on that part? Allows for an even deeper reconnection.
The third step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to share your perspective and feelings in a respectful and constructive way. Don't accuse, criticize, or judge the other person. Instead, use "I" statements and describe your thoughts and emotions without blaming or attacking. Share your intentions and expectations, and explain how the conflict affected you. Sharing your perspective shows that you trust the other person and the relationship, and that you are honest and transparent.
What does "blaming or attacking" look like? You have to be careful of secretly coded words that indicate judgement. For example "I feel bullied" is another way of saying "you are bullying me." Think about the observable behaviors (what you see them doing) rather than what you think it means. Instead you might say "You've made a joke about X every time I mention it. It shuts down my participation in the discussion and I feel isolated from the team as a result."
The fourth step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to seek common ground and find areas of agreement and alignment. Don't focus on the differences or the past. Instead, focus on the shared goals and values, and the mutual benefits and interests. Identify what you both want and need, and what you both can do to achieve them. Seeking common ground shows that you value the other person and the relationship, and that you are cooperative and collaborative.
The fifth step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to make a plan and commit to actions that will prevent or resolve future conflicts. Don't leave things vague or unresolved. Instead, be specific and realistic about what you both will do differently, and how you both will monitor and evaluate your progress. Set clear expectations and boundaries, and agree on how you both will communicate and handle disagreements. Making a plan shows that you are accountable and reliable, and that you are proactive and solution-oriented.
This is one of the biggest ways to ensure success if you are in a conflict resolution situation. If there is no plan or if the plan is not completely clear to all parties, all of the work done to repair that trust will dissolve as soon as someone makes an assumption instead of asking for clarification if they are unclear about an aspect of the plan.
The sixth step to repair trust and relationships after a conflict resolution breakdown is to follow up and check in with the other person regularly. Don't assume that everything is fine or forget about the plan. Instead, show interest and support, and ask for feedback and input. Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts and improvements, and celebrate the successes and achievements. Address any challenges or setbacks, and make adjustments as needed. Following up shows that you are consistent and committed, and that you are supportive and positive.
People often turn to processes to help them resolve their issues, but what if those processes do not result in the outcomes they are looking for? Worse, what if they compound the conflict? Managing expectations before parties even engage in a conflict resolution process is critical to laying the foundation for what comes next. If conflict resolution efforts fail, other creative solutions are needed. Restorative approaches are one way to try and heal broken relationships. Holding circles and creating safe space where individual voices can be heard can help in the healing journey. Restorative approaches aimed at repairing relationships ought to be considered at the outset and not just when conflict resolution has broken down.