How can you provide effective peer support to someone who is grieving or experiencing loss?

We know from research that hope is one of the strongest predictors of well-being. This psychological coping resources protects us in times of adversity. But hope can be robbed. Hope can be taught, restored, and nurtured. Hope is not wishing, but rather an action strategy of finding pathways and nurturing the mental energy to pursue our goals. Peer Supports are such a powerful pathway to show that hope is a social gift.

Listen and pay attention! Authentic connections require us to listen intently when we are acting in the role of supporting, coaching and leading peers. There is nothing better than having someone just "listen" and understand your pain. My practice is to take the individual to my office, or outside for a walk alone. So that they can have the privacy to let go of their emotions if need be. Depending on their belief system I also try to encourage prayer and meditation. Finally, I make sure the other members of the team are supportive as well. Grief and Loss never go away completely but you can help someone fill the hole in their heart by showing them kindness and support. They may not have strong relationships with others outside of work.

Sometimes just being around and available for them during their process of healing from the loss, without getting actively involved in conversations, becomes comforting for them. The grief will take its own time to settle. Till such time, they may not want to discuss, talk or reach out to people. Many get the closure in months or sometimes in years and till such period, they may want to avoid conversations. The best way to show empathy in these cases is to make them feel that you’d be around them whenever they’d need a helping hand.

I feel that my own personal experience of grief and depression helps me in my work today. I feel a huge affinity with anyone who has had trouble finding the right path in their life, or is feeling alone and experiencing deep sorrow and/or not feeling good enough, being unkind to themselves. Unfortunately I see this very often in my work, people of all ages putting too much blame, pressure on themselves, setting themselves up to fail unrealistic expectations and feeling terrible as a result. Wanting to be perfect….. not accepting who they are, constantly feeling unworthy, worrying what others think which of course is a road to misery.

Couples going through divorce experience the loss of so much--physical resources, a lifestyle, their family identity, and their dream of "happily ever after." Part of my work in mediating with them is to recognize the significance of these losses and the pain. I give space to let those be expressed and mourned. Another piece is to ask them questions that help them see the future as, not just loss, but opportunity. Questions such as, "What have you given up or limited for the sake of the marriage that you can now do? Hobbies, activities, friendships, or travel?" "Where would you like to be one year from now?" I also work hard to create a space where they don't have to be adversaries. They can part amicably--reducing the hurt.

Loss comes in many forms, often leaving a void or emptiness inside the beholder. As a child my mother reiterated on numerous occasions that we must 'take everything in moderation.' When I reached a stage in my adulthood, I will say that those words could very well have saved my life. I was struck in the most profound emotional turmoil through loss of love. Every morning for the first 30 seconds everything was normal, then it was like being smashed in the solar plexus with a 14lb sledgehammer. I crumbled in torture... So, I decided to follow my mother's teachings. I endured the pain all day and drowned it out every evening. Too much of anything is bad for you...

In a peer support setting where identification with and empathic understanding is more present than in other settings, there is a risk of boundaries being relaxed. The support person must navigate the fine line between shared and personal experiences, and explore differences and unique perspectives to support and respect the peer.

What I have found helpful is to remain present without stepping in the boundaries of the other person I have learnt to remain present and respect every emotion that comes with grieving

Don't assume, offer. "Would it be helpful if I held you right now?" "Would a hug feel good?" "How does some tea sound?" "Can I take that off your plate?" Often, in a state of grief and overwhelm, identifying our needs can be difficult. By offering up support in ways they can say yes or no to, you allow them to tell you what helps without pressuring them to tell you what they need.

It's so important to make specific offers, especially in the early days after a loss. Offers like "Anything you need, let me know" while well meaning aren't very helpful for the griever who is in deep brain fog. A specific offer that has a yes/no answer is best. "I'm going to the grocery store, do you need bread?" or something like it, allows the griever to answer and may help them see something else they need in the same category. Small things make a big difference. And if the answer is no, it's not no forever so offer again - gently and compassionately.

In times of crisis, grief or loss, an individual feels vulnerable and exposed. So although they can appreciate a helping hand, it is more valuable to ensure that this help doesn’t contribute to their feeling of powerlessness and inadequacy. Your help can also prevent them from engaging in therapeutic activities and needed distraction. Tread carefully when giving help, keep it focussed and time-limited, checking in as time progresses.

While acknowledging and accepting the emotions of a grieving person is helpful, what is not as beneficial is your expression of agreement or inserting a personal opinion. While validating the other, peers can be cautious about misinterpretation, and varying needs of certain cultures and age groups. Where harmful beliefs are expressed, it is also valuable to strike a balance between validation without reinforcing negativity.

The simplest validation is to mirror the emotions back to the person and help them name them. The more nuanced we can get in naming, the more we can move the energy of the emotion and gently release it. Putting aside judgement and advice giving is critical.

I agree with these points. As a Minister however, we validate all these viable points and emotions at ones loss and grief. I'd like to add, depending on the circumstances it's also important to ensure their feelings but never to forget the needs of children, siblings, and Parents needs by immersing oneself in their world... too, too many times I've seen this. A parent, a spouse, a best friend, even a child are so absorbed in their pain etc...the can literally in a harsh outspoken manner deny or understand others pain to such a degree other emotions build. Reach out, validate, but be sure to keep each focused on the here; living but by holding each other not self-centered grief. Sounds harsh. Basically, keep it real and together to heal.

There is a real risk that in the desire to relate, your story and experience can steal the limelight and overshadow the other person’s. This can have the opposite of the supportive effect you had hoped. Reading body language and listening mindfully may give you the cue for when to share and when to be quiet.

Share Your Own Memories: If you also knew the person who passed away, share your own fond memories and stories. It can be comforting for your friend to hear how their loved one touched the lives of others.

Sharing experiences is part of peer support and must be done keeping the person you are supporting centre and not making it about you and your story. Unfortunately, when we use language like "I know exactly what you are going through" it creates isolation instead of the connection we are wanting. No one knows exactly what someone is going through, no matter how similar your experience. When sharing your experience, it's important to pay close attention to the response of the person you are supporting. Watch for body language and shifts to see if you are creating connection.

Effective peer support recognizes the difference between the season of sadness and mourning and that of recovery and hope. The use of encouragement statements that reflect and observe immediate positive truths can nudge the other in the direction of hope.

What does hope look like when your heart has been broken? Can you remain hopeful after a traumatic sudden death? What can you possibly hope for, if you hoped that your loved one would survive, yet they died? Perhaps you can hope that your memories will bring you comfort; that you can remain spiritually connected to them and continue the bond that you shared; and that you will be able to make meaning of your loss, if that is something you choose to do in the future.

Recognize that grief does not have a shelf life and that everyone’s grief is individual. This means that the way one person grieves, does not mean all people will grieve that way. Events like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, and even memories on social media can trigger grief responses. Someone may be doing well and then suddenly misses work and seems “down”. This is part of the grief process. Check in with them and ask what support they need. Do not say things like “what’s wrong? You don’t seem like yourself.” Instead say, “How are you doing? Please let me know how I can help.” This is support without judgement and will be appreciated. Grief is often an uncomfortable topic, and support that is sincere and not judgmental is key.

Artistic expressions: Sometimes from my experience I have seen if we divert their mind from grief to some creative expression activities like painting, drawing or writing. This helps as therapeutic outlets. Which will eventually help them to come out of this loss fast.

You cannot put a price on the value of merely being present in community when hurting. Often, I don't need answers. I simply need to know that I am not alone. Actively bringing them into community is one of the best things we can do for healing. Not only is this the easiest element to employ (your presence) it can often be the most comforting. I have my people, and they have me.