How can you effectively resolve conflicts between family members?

A mistake I have been known to make is to go into the conversation with the intention of convincing the other person that I am right. When I'm at my best a helpful starting point is to exchange perspectives about what is going on.

Recently, I came across a great idea to resolving a conflict is to put words to your feelings and then identify how and why you feel a specific way. Recently, we heard about the "feelings circle," initially developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox. If used with your spouse or partner, you can use emotional language rather than intellectual thoughts. It is a wheel you can use to identify the feeling, leading you to the core emotion. If both people in the conflict use it together, the wheel promotes a healthy conversation. It brings a greater understanding of each other and a robust discussion and comparison of feelings. For more information, google "the feelings circle."

In my experience, conflicts are best "resolved" long before they happen. Let me explain, a leader must build a team with a foundation of trust with the ability to speak up without fear when something is wrong or disagreements happen. A team based on trust allows ones that are quiet to speak up knowing they will be heard. A team built on the foundation of trust expects conflicts to happen, has a plan in place to resolve it, will support the decision even if some disagree, and will be better based on the outcome of the conflict.

In my particular situation there is no coming back from what I can only describe as being dragged through hell backwards for the past five years. It all has to do with money, greed, lots of deception and many lies. It took me a long time to process how family (who I now call 'Relatives') could do this..? Since the dawn of written history we have seen how money drives people to do things that surpasses our understanding. It is a sad story indeed; One that has not only ripped apart my life, but as well tore apart three siblings. There sometimes is no going back. For me the healthiest thing to do was completely remove myself from this narcissistic triangulation. I would not wish upon them what they did to me. Andrea W R Jones

I'd like to share a personal experience where a conflict arose from a clash of perspectives between our two families concerning the selection of the bride's wedding dress. While the bride and her family firmly believed that she should have the autonomy to choose her attire, the groom's family held a more traditional viewpoint, emphasizing the importance of involving elders in the decision-making process. To address the conflict regarding the choice of the wedding dress, it's essential to recognize the source of the conflict and work towards a resolution.

LISTEN - LISTEN and LISTEN to what others share. If you mirror or summarize what you heard BEFORE you share your opinion it will go a long way in reducing conflict.

Communication: Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of resolving conflicts. Initiate a respectful and empathetic conversation with both families involved, emphasizing the importance of understanding each other's perspectives. Active Listening: Encourage everyone to actively listen to each other without judgment. Create a safe space for each side to share their concerns, feelings, and values related to the wedding dress decision. Empathy: Show empathy towards the elders' desire to be involved, acknowledging their wisdom and experience. Simultaneously, express understanding and support for the bride's wish to choose her wedding attire.

The root cause for conflicts within families often stems from a lack of open communication. Due to the enduring nature of familial bonds, we sometimes take our loved ones' emotions for granted, in contrast to the care we exercise in our interactions with colleagues and friends. In moments of discord, it becomes imperative to practice restraint and engage in constructive dialogue, and let each member get an equal opportunity to articulate their perspective. Involving an impartial mediator to facilitate resolution is also a wise approach. 'Silence and inaction can effectively quell disagreements', is the biggest misconception! This only serves to temporarily conceal the issue, ultimately allowing it to resurface and wreak havoc.

Bringing my Christian perspective. The first thing is to pray and commit the situation to God asking Him to intervene and asking for His wisdom on how to handle the conflict. Communication is central but sometimes the other party won't communicate. Or they may want to rant and rave, cuss and fuss. It gets sticky when you live in the same space as the other party. Sometimes, it may require distantly one's self, communicating by text, or depending on the severity, one may need to leave the space temporarily. Sometimes a 3rd party can intervene. Quote the Bible over the situation, ask God to show you and the other party the error of your ways. Continue to pray and trust God to fix things. Only God can bring the increase in our lives.

This is a little tricky as not all individuals involved in the conflict have the emotional maturity to acknowledge let alone validate. A mediator is in a good position to identify and refocus attention and encourage all members involved in the conflict to walk through these elements.

Make the main thing the main thing. What do we agree on? How can we work towards the goals we all have? Go for a win-win and not an I must win therefore you must lose. When that happens everybody has lost.

In the quest to harmonize conflicting viewpoints surrounding the choice of the bride's wedding dress, the journey involved seeking common ground through compromise and fostering collaborative solutions. Compromise: Seek a middle ground that respects both perspectives. For example, suggest involving the elders in another aspect of the wedding planning that aligns with their values and traditions, while also ensuring the bride has the autonomy to select her dress. Collaborative Solutions: Encourage brainstorming and the exploration of collaborative solutions that honor both families' values. Consider compromises such as allowing the elders to provide input on dress options, while ultimately granting the bride the final say in her attire.

Following the point above - look for the similarities before bringing in the difference. So look for what you agree on with the other person in the conversation and share this first before bringing your own point of view. The likelihood is that both parties may feel upset or angry (for example). Probably for different reasons, but the experience can be agreed on. It will be easier to discuss the conflict from a place of shared experience.

Finding similarities can create an alliance. If similarities outweigh dissimilarities, it is easier to live with the difference. It is even easier to come up with ways to handle that difference. Unless one or both sides are exceptionally difficult and stubborn, it is always possible to find some common ground.

I suggest brainstorming solutions as a family and allowing ALL suggestions to be added. We don't have to chose one that doesn't work for everyone but putting all of them down makes everyone feel included and important. Significance and belonging is a key to creating harmony in a family or couple.

Exploring solutions involved polite persuasion from the groom's side and educational insights to bridge cultural differences. Polite Persuasion: As the groom, you can play a crucial role in facilitating this conversation. Gently persuade your family to be more flexible and considerate of the bride's desires, emphasizing that her happiness is paramount. Education: Sometimes, cultural differences can be bridged through education. Offer insights into modern practices and trends while highlighting the importance of personal choice and happiness in weddings today.

Invite solutions from all parties. Throw any idea no matter how impossible into the ring and eliminate one at a time. Do not disregard an idea because of who suggested it. It may be exactly the right solution for the problem at hand.

Try the '...Yes...And...' game: The way to play this (when everyone are open to it) is to hear a possible solution from person 1 and respond by saying: 'What I like about this idea is.... and it makes me think about.....' - adding your own suggestion You don't need to love the whole idea. Just a small part of it and then build on that. Agree to be creative and go wild. So no judgment as to whether the ideas will work. At the end of this game, you can then decide from all the ideas that came up - which are the ones you would like to give a go to, when you agree to start this and how you can help each other to stay committed to doing it if you fall off the waggon which is likely to happen at times (we're just human, right?).

I invite my clients to notice the impact the new behaviours are having on the relationship. The learning is not simply about changing behaviour (which can be tough when everyone are stuck in their own ways). The relationship develops by consciously noticing the impact the changes you are making are having on your relationship. This way, in future you can make your behaviour more intentional helping the relationship develop and thrive.

Once a solution has been agreed on the implementation needs the same process. Throw it in the ring and decide on the implementation process that all agree on. Dissenting voices leave an open door to the solution being undermined and therefore failing.

The last step in a family meeting is to come up with something fun to do, maybe it's dessert of to play a family game. Anything that everyone likes to participant in is wonderul.

Appreciation is key to bringing positivity to any relationship. As humans, we tend to focus on the negative towards ourselves and others. The impact of the ratio of 5:1 positive to a negative is evidence-based (see J. Gottman) in creating and sustaining positive change. Try and share 5 positive interactions with your partner for every negative interaction either through appreciation or a positive activity or emotion (humour is one great way to create positive emotions!), and be careful not to make it sound like a 'shopping list'. Make this authentic and meaningful or it will fall flat and be taken cynically. After a while, this will become second nature. Positivity is just as contagious as negativity....

Having the "Intent" to resolve conflict. Intent always precedes action. It guides our actions as well as makes us take accountability of the outcomes. Conflicts go beyond a point of no return often because, we drift away from our original intent to a place of proving out point no matter what - with anger, fights, emotional drama etc.. When we are anchored with the "Intent" to resolve a conflict, the actions automatically sprouts from a place of mutual respect & desire to understand each other. With one party firmly grounded in their intent, it becomes difficult to sway them into the depths of conflict, as it takes two hands to clap. Doesn't it?

I think the first thing to consider in this matter is the base ground that family members are humans and it should be acknowledged without any prejudice that they can and will make mistakes and are capable of doing actions that are incorrect and unacceptable. Secondly, there are many matters which are brushed under the carpet because of baseless family and societal pressures. But there is only one solution to it. SEEK LEGAL ADVICE AND ACTION BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. This is from my very personal experience. Delay or failing to do so destroys one's mental and physical health which is sometimes beyond repair.