How can you build trust and confidentiality in coaching and mentoring relationships?

The most important thing to develop trust in a new mentoring or coaching relationship is to take time to discuss 3 areas: 1. What would success look like from this relationship? What are each looking to get? What are the worries and fears of each person? 2. What does the mentee/coachee want to achieve? What metrics/measures will indicate that this has been reached? What experiences does the mentor/coach have that are relevant? 3. What is currently working well for the mentee/coachee? What is currently not working well? There is a saying "most people do not lack motivation, they lack clarity". Often the role of the mentor/coach is to help the other person get really clear on what they want and what they are willing to do to achieve it.

In my experience, setting clear expectations is instrumental in the coaching process as it provides a solid foundation for both the coach and the coachee. It establishes a shared understanding of goals, roles, and desired outcomes, reducing ambiguity and misunderstandings. This clarity enhances the effectiveness of coaching sessions, enabling a more focused and productive journey toward achieving the desired objectives.

Along the lines of clear expectations also includes clearly defining the role. There is a fine line that can happen between coach, mentor, sponsor, manager or other support role and the distinction is critical to the relationship working.

Setting clear expectations at the start is key! Coaches should be a vault for their clients. Coaches should reiterate this very thing at the beginning of EVERY coaching conversation. It is also incredibly important to know the client’s desired outcome. Without a success measure, the “coaching conversation” is just a regular conversation. There has to be an end in mind. Lastly, agreeing on a time is important also. Coaches want to be sure to respect their client’s time by ending within a timely manner.

Building Trust: Clarity and Consistency Building trust from the start can be difficult. Being clear about objectives, processes, and how things will work is crucial. However, trust is something that takes time to develop. To build trust, it's essential to follow through on what you say you'll do. Consistency between words and actions demonstrates reliability and strengthens trust. It's also important to recognize the difference between "feeling" and trust. While a good feeling between a coach and client may indicate a potentially productive relationship, it's not the same as trust. In summary, trust takes time to build and requires clarity, consistency in words and actions, and distinguishing between feelings and genuine trust.

The best coaches and mentors have done their own work and have high levels of EQ. This allows them to be fully present for and with their coachee or mentee. They can listen without getting caught up in their own stuff AND they are better able to actively listen.

This reminds me of the 'golden rule of silence'. We as a society are often uncomfortable when there is silence so we tend to fill it by talking,overexplaining, and questioning when really we need to sit back and listen to what isn't being said. The silence is where the biggest most impactful breakthroughs tend to happen.

‘Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf.’ ~ Anonymous quote. If you listen with an intent to understand rather than with the intent to reply, that is when you are adding value to the whole process.

Being really attuned to your own judgments and assumptions is essential. Even when we have the best of intentions, our human tendencies will sneak in and, left unchecked, can shift the energy of conversations and break trust. When you notice judgment or an assumption crossing your mind, simply let it float right out again. This is a skill that the most effective coaches and mentors continuously practice. You won't ever be perfect at it so go for fewer instances and faster recovery times.

Adults sometimes shy away from that phrase, I don’t know. If you keep pushing them to learn something because they don’t know you won’t get far with them. So, build trust and then let them come to you with their I don’t knows. It is a far better way to train and develop them than a manager telling them they don’t know!

Feedback is a two-person party I like to say. Building a defined time for feedback benefits both parties in the coaching or mentoring relationship. The CEDAR feedback model can be helpful for those who are working to improve giving and receiving feedback. CEDAR stands for: Context. Examples. Diagnosis. Action. Review.

I learned compassionate directness as a feedback style that combines honesty with empathy. It involves providing constructive feedback in a straightforward and respectful manner, focusing on specific behaviors or outcomes rather than personal attributes. This approach values open communication while considering the individual's feelings, fostering a supportive environment for growth and improvement.

All of us have "blind spots" that prevent us from growing. Effective coaches are willing to point out areas where the coachee needs to change. Think of it as shining a spotlight into a dark corner where the dust balls that aren't typically visible now show up. Your feedback needs to focus on changeable behaviors, not on perceived character flaws.

This is a very important element and should be underlined in the very outset of the process. You xan never expect to brjng about a change or transformation in a person unless we are willing to share open, or critical feedback. But this should be not done in a judgemental or harsh manner, but in a helpful, empathetical and caring manner. This will not only build trust, but also develops respect and openness in between the mentee and the mentor.

Before supporting and challenging a coachee or mentee it is critical to have built-in trust and psychological safety. Aditionally when starting out the relationship it can help to be clear on how the individual wishes to be supported or challenged. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. For example, someone might want to feel supported by words of affirmation and challenged by being asked deep and though-provoking questions, whereas another person might want to receive a reward for support and put on stretch projects for a challenge. Building rapport and knowing your coachee/mentee will go a long way.

Sometimes, gaining trust is as much about the things that we do not say as much as we do. To be an effective leader, your followers have to know that if they open up to you, they will not discover their vulnerability discussed among peers and superiors. Additionally, they have to know that you will not leverage it against them. Trust requires an equilibrium of revelation to and about one another; after all, you can only truly know a person if they reveal their character to you. This exchange of information forms the Leader-Follower-Trust paradigm, which is gradual learning about one another. Healthy LFTP will result in connection and cohesion where it does not form, there is no LFTP or it has not matured.

This is utmost important, as a mentor you should never ever share what is being shared during a coaching session or mentoring session, unless we have the permission of the mentee to do so. Confidentiality is key in order to not only build the trust in between the mentor and the mentee, but is also important in building your long term career in the coaching or mentoring field.

As a coach especially f you are accredited by ICF, EMCC and similar organizations you are donor bound by their code of ethics. Detailed stakeholder agreements define, roles, communication, and confidentiality. If you can't honour these then the ethos of coaching are violated.

Scope tangible outcomes and track the progression. This will help build trust. And adding tangible goals helps not just the mentees but also mentors internalize how they have changed/added value to their mentee..