The Shadow of Toxic Positivity on Communication

Imagine waking up early, even before the sun rises, getting ready to go to work. Suddenly, you realize that your iron is broken and you can’t press the shirt you prepared the night before. Just as you’re about to get frustrated, you receive a notification on your phone: “Think positive”. You grab another shirt that was already ironed from your closet, get dressed, and rush to the kitchen for a quick breakfast. As you’re about to finish eating, your coffee spills on your light-colored shirt. You remember you have an important meeting in an hour and run back to the closet. This time, you hurriedly put on the first shirt you find without paying much attention to whether it’s ironed. Luckily, you manage to leave the house. You think to yourself, “If I drive, I won’t make it to the meeting in time”, so you start walking towards public transportation. As you walk to the metro, a driver passing by quickly splashes rainwater on your pants, soaking the bottoms. It’s too late to go back home. You have no choice but to keep going. You open Instagram to see what’s going on, and you’re greeted with a post that says, “Take action to make yourself happy, think positive, be positive” You take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down and continue on your way, still trying to reassure yourself mentally. Just as you board the metro, your boss calls you to discuss the upcoming meeting, but the call drops. You’re still far from the next station, but you need to talk to your boss. If you get off and wait for the conversation to finish, you’ll be late for the meeting. Somehow, you try to stay positive and as soon as you get off the metro, you call your boss back. After being scolded for not being reachable, you start walking quickly to make it to the meeting that’s about to start in ten minutes. And then, the heel of your shoe breaks. You rush to the office, put on your spare shoes, and head to the meeting room, only to find that your boss and the company you’re meeting with have already arrived. As you sit down, your phone starts ringing. It’s your mother. You silence it and decline the call, but she keeps calling. You start to wonder, “Is something wrong? Why is she calling so much?” Unable to resist, you excuse yourself and answer the call, only to find out that your mother just wanted to hear your voice. You feel relieved but also a little annoyed. As you head back to the meeting, the thought, “I need to stay positive”, echoes in your mind. But when you return, you see that the meeting is over and the presentation you worked so hard on is no longer needed. When you get back to your office and tell your colleague about your day, their response is, “Just look on the bright side. I guess it was meant to be this way”.

But is it really supposed to be this way? The example given may be frustrating for most people, but it’s something that can be fixed and forgotten in a few days. However, when we face much more difficult situations, when we suffer great losses, or when we encounter irreversible events, we now live in a society that expects us to remain positive. This has become so widespread in our daily communication that it’s starting to become part of our small talk. While affirmations, manifestations, and lucky numbers occupy our minds on social media platforms, this new-age rhetoric is also spreading among friends.

You might say, “What’s the harm in looking at life positively?”. Of course, being positive and developing calm, constructive responses to situations is important for our mental health. But when the pressure to always think positively and see the bright side suppresses our true feelings or forces us to ignore situations we need to face and overcome, real problems start to arise. We know that emotions like anger, disappointment, sadness, and grief - which we label as negative - don’t just disappear when suppressed. Instead, they grow and return to us even stronger. Especially in recent years, with declining purchasing power, rising expenses due to high interest rates, and unemployment issues, hearing things like “Happiness is a choice; if you’re not happy, it’s your fault” doesn’t solve our problems. Instead, it can drive us into deeper despair. You may start to think that you’re in these tough situations because you failed to “choose” happiness, viewing these difficulties as your own fault. Sadly, those offering such advice often do so with the best of intentions, but they unintentionally commit one of the worst communication mistakes. By generalizing all issues, without considering people’s unique personalities or life circumstances, they become a major barrier to empathy. People’s psychological backgrounds, family lives, cultural codes, and mental and financial conditions are never the same. When we ignore these factors and disregard empathy, we lose the ability to connect with others and create a healthy communication environment. Dismissing someone’s emotional struggles with a patronizing attitude becomes an obstacle to healthy communication, making people avoid opening up and share their true feelings.

Of course, there are many mental and physical benefits to positive thinking. Research shows that it helps manage stress, make better decisions, and even fight diseases. However, forcing ourselves to think positively at all costs is not only unrealistic but can also be harmful. It’s well-known that emotions like anger, frustration, and disappointment are not random states of mind. They are signals sent by our minds to help us resolve issues we encounter in life. Avoiding these problems rather than facing them only causes them to grow. If you feel pressured or guilty for feeling bad, and you start to hide your emotions around people who push positivity, or if you feel belittled for being upset, it may be time to distance yourself from that environment. You may be suffocating under toxic positivity.

If you’re the one exhibiting these behaviors, rest assured, we know you’re acting with good intentions. But when people are going through tough times, they don’t feel better when their problems are minimized. When you compare their situation to worse examples or urge them to take positive lessons from it, you unintentionally start a process of breaking the connection. Some problems can only be solved with love and support. Trying to help by downplaying others’ struggles can push them away, making them not want to share anything with you anymore.

If we want to develop a healthy communication model in relationships and friendships, we should first try to practice empathy and understanding. Otherwise, every well-meaning suggestion you offer will come across as condescending. The more you tell someone to “get rid of negative thoughts”, the more pressure you unknowingly put on them.

With all that said, you can continue to think positively and look at life with a positive perspective. Just remember that people have the right to feel pain, worry, sadness, and fear. They have the right to say they lack motivation, to not always be “in the flow”, to have pessimistic thoughts, to get angry when truly frustrated, and even to fall into depression at times. Interpersonal communication starts with simple empathy. And healthy communication can only happen when we accept that every emotion is a natural part of life.

Author: ?a?r? KARA, PhD