Mentoring is a valuable way to develop your skills, network, and career. But sometimes, conflicts can arise between mentors and mentees, affecting the quality and outcome of the relationship. How can you address these conflicts in a constructive and respectful way? Here are some tips to help you.
The first step to resolve any conflict is to understand what is causing it. Is it a mismatch of expectations, goals, or communication styles? Is it a lack of feedback, trust, or respect? Is it a personal or professional issue? Try to be honest and objective about the situation, and avoid making assumptions or judgments. Ask yourself what you want and need from the mentoring relationship, and what you can offer in return.
Addressing conflicts between mentors and mentees requires a thoughtful and empathetic approach. Remember that conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, including mentoring. The key is to address them proactively and collaboratively to foster a positive and productive mentoring experience.
Once you have identified the source of the conflict, you need to communicate it to your mentor or mentee. This can be challenging, but it is essential to clear the air and prevent further misunderstandings. Choose a suitable time and place to have a conversation, and prepare what you want to say. Use "I" statements to express your feelings, needs, and expectations, and avoid blaming, criticizing, or accusing. Listen actively and empathetically to the other person's perspective, and acknowledge their feelings, needs, and expectations. Try to find common ground and areas of agreement.
Communication is key, I always set out at the beginning that honesty is important and should be valued above all else. A mentor should be able to thoughtfully provide any and all feedback to the mentee. The mentee should set the expectation that they want the truth, delivered thoughtfully. It’s a major investment in time and effort for both parties, setting out expectations is the best way to avoid conflict. If it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you….
After communicating openly, you need to seek solutions that can address the conflict and improve the mentoring relationship. This may involve compromising, adjusting, or renegotiating some aspects of the relationship, such as the frequency, duration, or format of the meetings, the scope, direction, or pace of the learning, or the feedback, support, or recognition methods. Be flexible and creative, and try to find win-win outcomes that can benefit both parties. Agree on specific actions and timelines, and follow up on them.
If the conflict is too complex, sensitive, or persistent, you may need to seek help from a third party, such as a colleague, a supervisor, a counselor, or a mediator. This can help you gain a different perspective, clarify the issues, and facilitate the dialogue. However, you should only seek help with the consent and involvement of the other person, and respect their confidentiality and privacy. You should also be open to feedback and suggestions from the third party, and be willing to make changes.
Finally, you should learn from the experience of addressing the conflict, and use it to improve your mentoring relationship and your personal and professional growth. Reflect on what you learned about yourself, the other person, and the situation. Identify what worked and what didn't, and what you can do differently in the future. Appreciate the positive aspects of the relationship, and celebrate the achievements and progress. Thank the other person for their cooperation and commitment, and express your gratitude and appreciation.
In my experience, setting mentees and mentors up to succeed will deal with potential areas of conflict early on, though not guaranteed, it will go a long way to contributing to a smooth experience. This would be a benefit of formal (organised) mentoring programmes which also includes a mentee "being matched" with a mentor that takes into account expressed needs and wants for the mentoring relationship, preparing mentees and mentors to play their part in the relationship and always having a "third party" present i.e. the programme coordinator / programme manager / mentoring trainer for the duration of the relationship, that both parties can refer to and confide in at any time, so stuff can be nipped in the bud before becoming major.