My best advice to feel emotionally safe when you’ve been hurt before

When you have been hurt, betrayed or abused in some way in the past it can make navigating new relationships feel overwhelming, can’t it??You may feel anxious, perhaps shrink within yourself and resort to those pleasing behaviours you hate.

Why? Because you don’t feel safe.?

It’s likely that you are conflicted; on a rollercoaster of fear and desire.?The best way to heal past relationship trauma and emotional wounding is to create and sustain an environment which promotes emotional safety within your current relationship.

Emotional safety means learning to trust yourself to make the right decisions, and trusting that your partner’s intentions are always pure, and that they want the best for you always.?

Here are my 7 pointers to guide you through your uneasiness and towards the emotional safety you seek:

1.Communicate

When there is disagreement or conflict, you must aim to communicate effectively so that you each create a sense of emotional safety for each other – not simply for yourself. ?Don’t stonewall or sulk or attack. Don’t text.?Pick up the phone or better still, speak face-to-face.

Stay mindful that past damage makes us all self-protective and egocentric; it’s not all about you!

2.Forgive quickly?

Accept your fallibility.?You are perfectly imperfect and you get things wrong; we all do. That’s what makes us human and that’s how we learn, so that we may grow and flourish.?Forgive others - but most importantly forgive yourself. You. Are. Human.?

Accept that when you know better, you do better.?

3.Take responsibility

Only you can do something about how you show up in your relationship today.?Blaming someone else for how they ‘’make’ you feel is to give your power away, so don’t do that. People do what they do, and you decide how to feel, by what you tell yourself about the situation. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, and any mistakes you may make... and take action to communicate and /or put things right.

4.Love and accept yourself first

Find a self-loving way to find peace within yourself and accept yourself just as you are today.?You’ll need to understand anything you’re holding against yourself… maybe it’s how you continue to harm and disrespect yourself or maybe it’s how you’ve perhaps retaliated and or damaged others in the past?

People can only love you to the degree to which you love yourself - in your mind and body. If you are low on self-love and looking for someone to validate you, you’ll attract a partner who is also lacking and who therefore doesn’t have to give, what you most need. Everyone is mirror.

So, it makes sense, doesn’t it… that loving and accepting yourself is the key always to your future relationship success. But it’s difficult to do alone.?Please know I’m here to help.

5.Live now - Let go of the past.

Beyond allowing you to appreciate the person in front of you, the past is irrelevant to your present situation.?Focus on what you are grateful for in your relationship today... how have other (perhaps toxic) relationships helped you to realise what IS working and IS invaluable for you in your current relationship now??

6.Own it!

Pattern repeats... limiting beliefs... and self-protective behaviours are mostly residual from your childhood; were you perhaps the golden child or the scapegoat to mask your parents’ limitations and insecurities?

Patterns of fear and shame that you have never felt good enough get compounded through your adult life resulting in toxic and dysfunctional adult relationships. Left unhealed, these patterns corrode your intimate relationship in your life today.?

Start to notice how you tend to react when a button gets pressed, saying aloud to yourself, “I’m doing it again.” Be honest when that pattern creeps back in, put aside your pride and your ego and be honest - own it!

7.Commit to lasting positive change

How do you want your life and your relationship(s) to be different and better? Commit to doing whatever it takes in order to make this happen.?Real and lasting happiness is worth it – don’t give up.

Walking my talk as ever... You may have seen on social media that I just got engaged to be married. Communicating to heal past wounds and appreciation of each other has been the key to our happiness. Our journey has inspired me to share my article today, hoping to help you, if you happen to need this.?

From my heart to yours, I want you to really hold the idea that if I can navigate through past pattern repeats of emotional trauma... and communicate to win at love and find true happiness and a safe home finally for my heart, then you can too.

If you’d like a confidential chat to discuss my mentoring options for individuals and couples both with my intimate in-person retreats and with my support online, please get in touch here and we’ll arrange to talk things through your options.

Warmly

Lisa x

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