What's the best way to coach someone who doesn't want to change?

Don’t coach anyone who does not want to change. Imposing coaching on an unwilling participant will be ineffective. Don’t substitute coaching for performance management.

If the person is open mind to go thru the process , I take the engagement . If not , i don’t take the mandate . I leave it to the organisation to sort it out and get in to Coahcing only when the person is ready .

Listen deeply with much empathy and an open heart for a long time. Acknowledge and validate. See what emerges. The coachee will tell you what they want when they are ready. Our job is to hold the space, be the secure base, create safety and a normalized experience. No more and no less.

There is no point, surely? coaching is a process which should lead to change. If your client doesn’t want to change anything, what are they doing? Growing? Unlikely. Developing? Highly unlikely too. What is likely to be happening is that you’re having a nice chat. Which is hardly value for money for the organisation or the individual. Respecting autonomy is one thing - but taking money for ‘chatting’ seems immoral to me. And if you’ve got to ‘dig’ for the topic, you become a hustler.

Coaching is a client driven process. It starts with consent of the client and the agenda of the client. So if someone does not want to change, coaching may not be the right intervention. The other perspective is to check with the client- what's in her mind. This discussion is between the client and the stakeholder and not with the coach. Often coaching fails because of not having this pre-coaching discussion between the client and the stakeholder. If the client is open, the minimum coaching agenda can be - is there a case for change? If yes what is it? And I repeat- coaching is client and client's agenda driven and happens with consent of the client.

Empathy is required as you look at a client who is struggling. I review clients resilience levels to see whether they have the energy to thrive in coaching. I use Dr Angela Smith's 4 step Resilience model. Is the client in survival mode meaning they can't see their way out. Secondly is the client in the adaptation phase where they are looking for help but need gentle encouragement. Third is client in recovery, they know they need to change and are willing to try some new things within coaching. Finally is the client in the growth stage. They know what needs to change and are willing to take and make positive decisions. The client has become wiser as a result of overcoming their blocks, struggles and procrastination.

Adding on to empathy, this is why it is important to find a qualified coach. It isn’t just because they have recognized certification. More importantly, most coaching certifications mandate a certain duration of peer coaching hours as part of the certification process. To put ourselves in someone’s shoes is to have experienced coaching ourselves as a coachee. It allows the coach to demonstrate more empathy & curiosity.

Have them own and accept they don't want to change and from accepting and being with themselves in this intimate way maybe something new will open up in the space of allowance.

Use open questions with no hidden agenda: How do they see this process? What do they / don't they want from this? Who else is involved? What process would they feel comfortable with? What would they feel uncomfortable with? How will we measure progress? etc etc etc

Curiosity is at the heart of coaching. Asking questions and seeking to help the client to understand where they are at and what needs to happen to move forward. I'm not sure I entirely agree with empathy. There are times when I need to hold my client's feet to the fire and challenge their feelings and perspectives rather than to empathise. In a situation where the client is not open to making the change (and assuming they really want to or need to), I think empathy could hold them back. I'm not here to justify the position they are in - I'm here to get them to the outcome they need/want. This sounds a bit harsh, but done with gentleness, sincerity, authenticity and trust, it can be what is required to move the needle.

If you're noticing a pattern of behaviour that is creating an obstacle in their progress, sometimes all a clients needs is for you shine a light on the pattern. Follow up with engaging questions that help them clarify the root causes around the challenge. We all have blind spots so being supportive in this process of calling out the patterns you're noticing is essential to build trust and create an environment where transformation is possible.

It is important to remember that sometimes the root cause for the desire to avoid change is actually a survival pattern, rooted in trauma. Very few coaches appreciate the importance of developmental trauma in setting up patterns throughout life. When this is the underlying issue, the coaching needs to take that into account, and the balance between providing challenge and support needs to be carefully adjusted. In more complex cases, it may even be necessary to recommend some trauma counselling alongside the coaching, to remove that block, and allow the client to begin making progress.

Challenging someone who does not want to change can create a bigger obstacle and the coaching session can go sideways. I have them write 2 areas where they would need mentorship and start from there. If that does not work, I sop the coaching sessions and schedule a one on one conversation which gives them time to prepare and start the session on their own terms.

Ideally would be to ask : what will serve your purpose better ? If I challenge you a bit out of your boundaries? Or you take the next steps and I will be here for support if you find them too challenging ?

Challenging someone who doesn't want coaching is counter productive...and it is coaching! You'll destroy any rapport and trust you might have built, if you insist on pushing it. Respect their decision, and their boundaries.

I think what we're talking about here is accountability. It is important that the client takes on the actions and has autonomy in getting them done, but a good coach keeps them accountable. The majority of my clients highly value being held accountable for what they want to achieve. My clients are driven, ambitious and high-achieving. What they want more than anything is for someone to hold them to account so that they can achieve their goals.

Most of us might not be comfortable with change. Though it can be forced on someone, it is a noble beginning to Understand and explore the deep-rooted reasons. It may take time to uncover, realize and acknowledge. The first step in this journey is to understand the rationale behind the resistance. Travel with your client on their journey of being in their comfort zone. Create a safe space for them (non-judgemental) to understand their perception, fears, resistance and experiences. Let them realize, call it out and slowly they will start acknowledging it. Do exploratory conversations, and be genuinely curious, to help them uncover. Each one of us takes our own time and space. Allow that time and space.

Respect their boundaries, and their choices. They have said they don't want coaching, as a previous contributor says its not a subsitute for performance management in an organisation. I think the difference here is around organisational and private practice. In private practice I would never work with anyone who didn't want coaching. Its painful and hardwork with a resistant client. I think organisations need to think carefully about using coaching as a tool to 'change' someone who is resistant.

This is soooooo so crucial for all coaching. No two situations, no two clients are the same. The answers coming from the client when they decide and make a choice, are more likely to be owned and followed thru. Superimposing our expectations is a sure way to fragment the process of self awareness and accountability.

@Karen - completely agree. Why bother?! In my mind, coaching is about helping people reach their goals more quickly and in a more linear manner. If you use the basic but proven 'GROW' model - which I quite like - then the person starts with a Goal. Then you can help them set this in the context of their own situation, build a path to achieve it and then help them stay focused and on-track. Any goal will involve some aspect of change - either through delivery (implementing change) or a change in their themselves (personal development). I think starting the conversation at a much higher place would need to happen first to help them set a Goal and to understand the type of effort required to achieve it. Then you can move into coaching.

If it becomes apparent that a client is consistently unwilling to make any effort towards change, you should consider whether continuing the coaching relationship is the best use of your time and their resources. If the willingness to grow and change isn't there, maybe coaching at that particular moment in their journey is not in their best interest. Sometimes being still and stagnant is exactly what people need to be able to move forward again later.

Great point, in addition, it’s important to understand your limitation and theirs. Express empathy and let them know that you will be there for them no matter what. Once this is established, allow them to observe your life and your actions. When they are ready to make the necessary changes, the relationship will be ready for it.

The best way to do this is to 'agree to disagree agreeably' and to 'keep the door open'. To make sure they see you as a genuinely well intentioned and helpful person, no matter what happens... This is called 'No Deal at the moment, but the door is open ...'

?? However, a good way to have a closure for self is to also share your own needs. This humanizes the whole process and ensures that clients see coaches also as an Equal person. Coaches too need closure and feedback of what worked well and what would have served better. Normalize this mutuality rather than just let go by any one side abruptly.

I had a similar situation with a client. I enquired to see what had been his understanding of his organization's intentions for him, for him to get coached. I got several mixed messages. After my 1st session, he was open to consider the fact that the organization had the best intentions for him. I had asked him to think about how he could validate his views with the relevant persons within the organization. It was up to him how he defined who the "relevant" persons were. As a result, he realized that he needed to increase his own self awareness so that he could be more sensitive to the impacts he was having on others. As time would later prove, in my sessions that followed, that it was the starting of some changes that helped him greatly.

In today’s world we are constantly coaching or urging someone - they may be your direct reports or colleagues / team members or suppliers or customers. There is no direct influence except your laying down the facts that current baseline is not the most ideal and there is room for improvement. Over time you might see the change with themselves offering ideas or recommendations to try new ways of collaboration. It will take time to build that trust and interpersonal confidence. In my perspective, whether we realize it or not, as today’s leaders we are coaching on a daily basis.

While the steps to coaching are great for setting a structure, what is more critical is the WHY! Why this person? Why change? Why now? If both the coach and coachee are not able to align on the responses to these questions, it is no wonder the employee refuses to change.

I don't coach anyone who does not wish to be coached. However, I have found that the resistance to be coached has often come from not fully understanding what coaching is, and how it works, or when it is at the insistence of a third party. So in my discovery call of 20-30 minutes, which I do encourage those who do not want to be coached to have, one usually has a clear picture of what coaching is and if it would help. The client has also then established comfort levels. If after that call, they still do not want to be coached, I do not push for it. The coachee must be willing to be coached.

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, says, "Change is the only constant in life." I approach such individuals with 3 simple questions and by the end, if they don't want to change it is their call. Q1 - Do you not want to change at all or you don't want to change now? Q2 - Why don't you want to change? Is it a lack of knowledge, finances, location, or what? Q3 - Do you know what you might lose being in the same situation, have you done the opportunity cost? In my experience, individuals usually come to understand the impact of not changing. Note - Many times individuals want to change but there are other factors also because of which they can't, as a coach we should never impose the change on anyone we should just be the guiding light.