What do you do if your assertiveness is mistaken for aggression in a management context?

1 Assess your style

Before you blame others for misinterpreting your assertiveness, take a moment to reflect on your own style. How do you express your opinions, requests, and emotions? Do you use a calm, respectful, and confident tone, or do you raise your voice, interrupt, and criticize? Do you listen to others and acknowledge their perspectives, or do you dismiss, blame, and dominate? Do you use positive and constructive language, or do you use negative and threatening words? Be honest with yourself and ask for feedback from others to identify any areas of improvement.

2 Adjust your approach

Once you have a clear picture of your style, you can make some adjustments to avoid being seen as aggressive. For example, you can use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to express your needs and feelings without accusing or attacking others. You can also use open-ended questions and active listening to show interest and empathy for others' views and concerns. Moreover, you can use polite and respectful words and gestures to convey your respect and appreciation for others. For instance, you can say "please", "thank you", and "I appreciate" more often, and avoid using sarcasm, insults, or profanity.

3 Address the issue

If someone still mistakes your assertiveness for aggression, don't ignore or deny it. Instead, address the issue directly and respectfully. You can start by acknowledging their feelings and apologizing if you have offended or hurt them. Then, you can explain your intentions and goals, and how your assertiveness is meant to help you achieve them. You can also ask them what they expect from you and how you can work together more effectively. Finally, you can agree on some ground rules and action steps to improve your communication and collaboration.

4 Assert your rights

While it is important to be respectful and empathetic, it is also important to stand up for yourself and your rights. You don't have to change your personality or compromise your values to please others. You have the right to express your opinions, needs, and feelings, as long as you do it in a respectful and constructive way. You also have the right to disagree, say no, and set boundaries, without feeling guilty or afraid. You can assert your rights by using clear and confident language, maintaining eye contact and posture, and providing reasons and evidence for your decisions.

5 Avoid triggers

Some people may have a negative reaction to your assertiveness because of their own insecurities, biases, or fears. They may feel threatened, intimidated, or resentful by your confidence and competence. They may also have different cultural or personal norms and values that clash with yours. You can't control how others feel or think, but you can try to avoid triggering them unnecessarily. You can do this by being aware of their sensitivities and preferences, and adapting your style accordingly. You can also avoid topics or situations that may cause conflict or tension, and focus on common goals and interests.

6 Seek support

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you may still face resistance or hostility from others who mistake your assertiveness for aggression. This can be frustrating and stressful, and affect your performance and well-being. In such cases, you may need to seek support from others who can help you resolve the issue or cope with the stress. You can reach out to your colleagues, friends, family, or mentors, and share your experiences and feelings. You can also seek professional help from a coach, counselor, or mediator, who can offer you guidance and advice.

7 Here’s what else to consider

This is a space to share examples, stories, or insights that don’t fit into any of the previous sections. What else would you like to add?