Grief is a natural and complex response to loss, and everyone experiences it differently. As a peer supporter, you may encounter people who are grieving and need your help to cope. But how do you communicate with them effectively and compassionately? Here are some tips to guide you.
One of the most important skills you can use as a peer supporter is active listening. This means paying attention to what the person is saying, reflecting back their feelings and thoughts, and asking open-ended questions. Active listening shows that you care, respect, and empathize with the person, and that you are not judging or trying to fix them. It also helps the person to express and process their emotions, and to feel less alone.
When grieving, people need to feel understood, listened to, and supported. We do not need to be "fixed" or told how to feel. I talk not only based on my experience with my clients but also based on my personal experience when I lost my centenarian mother. Many times people say things that do not help based on their own experiences or because they want to take you away from the place of pain.
Listen with empathy, not with sympathy. (Sympathy may lead to your compassion fatigue). You can listen with metaphor and story in mind to give feedback to the one who is grieving. Your non-judgmental presence (companionship) is worth gold.
One thing I find helpful when working with clients is to validate the way they feel about a grief-related experience. Everyone processes their hurt and pain differently and one person's experience is different than another's, even if the situations are similar or even the same. Allowing a person to validate the way they feel about what has occurred, is essential to the process of healing. Allowing a person to talk about how they perceive what they have been through allows the listener (therapist, life coach, counsellor, etc) to better understand why the person is reacting to the circumstance in the way that they are. Everyone should feel that they have a right to speak "their truth," and feel heard w/o judgement.
Yesterday at a funeral, I was introduced to grandma. Noticing she had tears in her eyes. Told her that "this sucks", and she smiled as she dabbed her eyes. I mentioned that was what we all needed to do, instead of politely holding it back. We had a lovely conversation about the person who died, I knelt down to listen to her, hand on her shoulder. Validating her words and letting her know she was ok and doing the right thing. She hugged me and I smiled.
Meet them where they are in their grief journey and give them the gift of truly listening to them. Allow them to express whatever emotion they are feeling without feeling the need to cheer them up or fix them. If you are lost for words don't use the common platitudes, instead just tell them how sorry you are and that you can't imagine how they are feeling. I think also rather than saying 'call me if you need me', make an effort to contact them... often the griever won't reach out and doesn't even know what they need. Offer practical help.
Grief can trigger a range of feelings, such as sadness, anger, guilt, fear, or relief. Sometimes, these feelings can be overwhelming, conflicting, or unexpected. As a peer supporter, you can validate the person's feelings by acknowledging them, accepting them, and reassuring them that they are normal and valid. You can also help the person to cope with their feelings by offering coping strategies, such as breathing exercises, journaling, or self-care activities.
In my experience, the cornerstone of supporting someone through grief is to validate their feelings. ?? Grief is as unique as the individual experiencing it, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with it. By validating the feelings of the griever, we acknowledge their pain and their right to feel it. This simple act of acceptance allows them to feel heard and seen, creating a space where they can be vulnerable and authentic. Validating their feelings turns you into a safe space during their tough times. You become someone they can be real with, free from the worry of being judged. Sometimes, the most healing thing we can do is to simply be there and affirm, "Your feelings are valid, and you are not alone."
The feelings someone experiences is vast, and the are not limited to the months after the initial loss. Grief and the pain of losing someone will continue for years so the validation of that person's feelings help them process their own internal grief. It's also important to realize that consistent overwhelming feelings of grief are things we can talk through and about, but we can also help them to see talking to a therapist may be a good course for them to take as they can also help them navigate their feelings better than we can
Something jumped out at me when I lost my husband many years back. I noticed how everyone automatically makes "helpful" suggestions as a way to show support for their peers. Don't do this. Stop it. What people need when they are suffering is to be heard and acknowledged for the reality of their misfortune (or whatever the obstacle is). Our instincts tell us to fix things for our friends when they are in a bad situation. But instead, the most helpful and comforting thing is someone to listen and nod once in a while. Hearing a simple confirmation of your pain without any advice attached is the best and most authentic option. Try something like this: "Wow. That sucks. I wish you weren't going through this."
Be careful with advice...listen much. Listen most of all during the silence. Silence is often not an invitation to leave, but an invitation to suffer with your loved one.
When someone is grieving, they may not want to hear clichés or advice that minimize or invalidate their pain. For example, avoid saying things like "Everything happens for a reason", "Time heals all wounds", or "You should move on". These statements can sound insensitive, dismissive, or unrealistic, and they can make the person feel worse. Instead, focus on expressing your support, compassion, and understanding, and let the person set the pace and direction of the conversation.
Respecting individual grieving processes is crucial, as everyone copes differently, influenced by the closeness of their relationship with the person they've lost. For instance, although I lost my dad in 2013, the true depths of my grief didn't surface until 2016. Even now, attending funerals can evoke unexpected emotions, leading to tears that aren't necessarily for the deceased, but rather a poignant reminder of my father's absence. Advising during grief often falls short, as there's no one-size-fits-all solution. It's vital to allow individuals to navigate their pain authentically, offering understanding and support from their community. When they're ready to share, active listening without judgment or unwanted commentary is key.
The subtext of the old cliches and platitudes is almost universally dismissive and suggests that your grief makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to be around it. That’s generally not what we mean. If you can speak honestly from the heart, what you say will create connection. Even when what we start with is acknowledging we don’t know what to say.
"He's in a better place." When I first heard those words, they really stung. I realize people don't mean any harm but it still hurts to hear. It can be difficult to know what to say to someone grieving. If you're having trouble finding the right words, don't say anything. Instead, listen. Just be there.
Loss is universal. Grief is personal. While we may experience a loss similar to someone else, every relationship is unique. For example, if your mother died and you had a close, loving relationship with her, and my mother died and she and I had a difficult and less-than-loving relationship, our grieving experiences would be very different. Never assume all losses are the same. Cliches and unsolicited advice, while often well-meaning and well-intentioned, are rarely helpful. Offer support by listening wholeheartedly, or take an action that would be helpful to them.
Be careful with what you say. If necessary, be humble and generous enough to say, "Oh, I wish I was smarter, or magical...or something enough for you...I'm not...but, I'm here." Better still, say it with your consistency, rather than your words.
Grief can affect people's beliefs and values, such as their faith, spirituality, or worldview. As a peer supporter, you should respect the person's beliefs and values, and avoid imposing your own. You can do this by asking them about their beliefs and values, listening to their perspectives, and supporting their choices. You can also explore how their beliefs and values can help them cope with their loss, or how they may have changed or challenged by their loss.
Communicate on their terms. Definitely listen and validate where appropriate. This is about them, not you. You don't need to share your perspective unless they specifically ask you for it. Allow them to share what they are experiencing on a belief/value level, in the way they are able to at the time. Be present and absorb; that's enough.
Grief can also affect people's daily functioning, such as their work, household, or social activities. As a peer supporter, you can offer practical help to the person, such as running errands, doing chores, or providing referrals. However, you should always ask the person what they need and want, and respect their boundaries and preferences. You should also avoid overstepping your role or taking over their responsibilities, as this can undermine their autonomy and agency.
As a two-time suicide survivor, and a person who understands the pain of grieving one's own loses in life, I can say that I would have fully appreciated the help if someone would have offered it. In helping someone who is grieving, you can also take notice of the things that are not being done that normally might be. Things like laundry, grocery shopping, and so forth seem normal enough, but to someone who is lost in grief, those chores often get put aside. It's the daily/regular responsibilities that a person may need help with.
Asking what someone needs or a general “Call me if you need anything” offer can be difficult for grievers to take advantage of. Instead, offer something specific and then follow through if the person says yes. Everything you need done, they need too. Some of it will be a struggle.
Someone once told me about a friend’s offer to help. It included the phrase “But I don’t do windows.” That helped communicate that the other specifics really were genuine offers to assist.
Grief is not a linear or predictable process, and it can last for a long time. As a peer supporter, you can follow up and check in with the person regularly, and show that you are still there for them. You can do this by sending messages, calling, or visiting them, and asking how they are doing and feeling. You can also invite them to join support groups, activities, or events that can provide them with more peer support and connection.
This is the biggest one I hear from grievers. Most of us receive support in the immediate aftermath of a loss, which is wonderful. However, that's also the time that we are usually dealing with the logistical details of the event eg: planning the funeral, selling the house, dealing with paperwork like banking and taxes. It's not unusual that we don't even have the capacity to truly experience grief until weeks or months after the loss. It can feel lonely navigating a new life after a significant loss. We try to regain our balance as the world keeps moving on. Following up and checking in long after the loss is so appreciated and helps grievers feel less isolated and alone.
Check in daily after the death, call, visit or text- let the griever know you are thinking of them. Continue to check in long after the funeral, especially on significant events such as birthdays, anniversaries of the death and holidays. Make your check ins count, use the deceased’s name, share memories, remind the griever you are there for them. If you visit the griever, spend time with them, take a coffee, take note is the griever managing day to day chores and activities? If not provide practical support, just jump in and do it, don’t ask the griever what they need this is putting pressure on them. Grievers need support, which is why check in are so important.
Listen...and Listen again with your ears and your whole body....then demonstrate you have heard.....this request asks for more words, those words are not necessary
This is one of the biggest ones. My dad passed in November, and now it's February, and people have already moved on...but I haven't. I don't think I ever will. Following up and checking in with someone who is grieving is a crucial aspect of providing ongoing support and showing that you care, even after time has passed. Even if they are not up to talking, it still means the world to them when you reach out.
This is huge. When I lost my father last year, it was the support I received 1-3 months later that was vital. I had friends still reach out and offer to spend time together. I also prioritized staying in touch with my family, so we could support one another during this immensely difficult time.
Grief is no stranger to me. I think the simplest way to support our peers through grief is let them know that we're here to support but alleviate any pressure to respond, delegate or take on the mental load of figuring out how you can help them. A few examples would be sending a note of support with the precursor "Please don't feel like you need to respond... we just want you to know that you are in our thoughts." or if you're in a position to help manage their workload/take things off their plate, let them know that you noticed some things you could take away and just confirm that they feel comfortable before doing so. Some people lean into work to process, some people need space and ability to step away. Always maintain respect.
When someone is grieving one of the most important things you can do for them is simply be there. A lot can be accomplished just being next to that person and not even say a word. Physical presence is one or the most precious value you can give to someone, your time and presence.