How do you resolve conflicts in a respectful and productive way?

Preparing for a difficult conversation provides clarity and direction and helps avoid getting lost in an unconstructive exchange. Before meeting, ask yourself, "What is my goal for this conversation?" "What do I want for the other person?" "What do I want for the relationship?" If things start to digress or emotions overtake rational thinking, pause and remind yourself of your goals. It will help you refocus and get the conversation back on track.

The desire to resolve the conflict comes first. Then it’s a matter of gaining clarity about what you need and what the other person needs. It’s surprising how often we confuse wants with needs. The key to finding a workable solution is to jointly focus on how all needs can be met. Shifting the energy from conflict to collaboration allows you to find solutions and maintain the relationship.

Clarity can often be found in the other person's interest - not their position. For example, the statement, "I don't think we should do that", articulates a persons position. In order to get to their interest, start asking questions that uncover the "why", but in ways which do not encourage defensiveness. Using terms like, "tell me more about that" or "help me understand better" are great starting points.

Messages can be clear as day, but still get misconstrued because of tone, body language, etc. Imagine if an employee said they were satisfied with an outcome, but their body language conveyed a different message. You might be confused on next steps and if everything really is solved. Take time to physically write down your talking points and prepare before any confrontational conversation- this is proactive. You will feel better prepared and less likely to speak out of an emotional, reactive mind.

One approach I've found very effective is borrowed from the improv community. When you're generating ideas, try saying "yes, and" to build on the other person's thoughts. This doesn't mean you agree but it does keep the conversation going. If you respond to suggestions with a "no" it derails the creative generation of ideas. If you can take the ideas and move back and forth with a "yes, and" mentality, you'll end up with a more harmonious session (and relationship) and ultimately a better product.

Consider and utilize your emotional intelligence. Respect is critical- but when people are in conflict they often are speaking from their primitive brains. Take time in any conflict to first become self-aware. Ask yourself: How is my energy in this conflict ? How can I calm myself so that I am thinking and speaking from my pre-frontal cortex- the executive functioning part of my brain? Once you do this you can listen with calm respect and become curious.