How do you handle defensiveness in others?

1 Identify the triggers

The first step to handle defensiveness in others is to identify what triggers their defensive response. This could be a specific word, tone, gesture, or topic that makes them feel attacked, judged, or invalidated. By recognizing the triggers, you can avoid using them or clarify your intentions when you do. You can also ask the other person what makes them feel defensive and acknowledge their feelings without agreeing or disagreeing with them. This can help you show empathy and respect, and reduce their perception of threat.

2 Use neutral language

The second step to handle defensiveness in others is to use neutral language that does not imply blame, accusation, or evaluation. Avoid using words like "you", "always", "never", or "should", which can sound confrontational, generalizing, or prescriptive. Instead, use words like "I", "sometimes", "maybe", or "could", which can sound more personal, specific, or tentative. You can also use open-ended questions, paraphrasing, or summarizing to check your understanding, invite feedback, or confirm agreement. This can help you communicate more clearly and respectfully, and avoid misunderstandings or assumptions.

3 Focus on the issue

The third step to handle defensiveness in others is to focus on the issue at hand and not on the person or their personality. Avoid making personal attacks, insults, or judgments, which can only provoke more defensiveness and resentment. Instead, focus on the facts, behaviors, or outcomes that are relevant to the situation and the goals you want to achieve. You can also use examples, evidence, or data to support your points, and acknowledge the other person's perspective or contribution. This can help you stay on track and avoid distractions or diversions.

4 Share your feelings

The fourth step to handle defensiveness in others is to share your feelings and needs in a constructive and respectful way. Avoid expressing your emotions in a way that is aggressive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative, which can only create more conflict or resentment. Instead, use "I" statements to describe how you feel, what you need, and what you want, without blaming or demanding. You can also use positive language to express appreciation, gratitude, or recognition, and avoid negative language that expresses criticism, complaint, or rejection. This can help you build rapport and trust, and show your willingness to cooperate.

5 Seek solutions

The fifth step to handle defensiveness in others is to seek solutions that are mutually beneficial and acceptable. Avoid imposing your own solutions, rejecting the other person's ideas, or compromising your own values or interests, which can only create more resistance or dissatisfaction. Instead, brainstorm options, explore alternatives, or negotiate terms that can address the needs and goals of both parties. You can also use feedback, evaluation, or follow-up to monitor the progress, effectiveness, or satisfaction of the solutions. This can help you achieve a positive and lasting outcome, and strengthen the relationship.

6 Disengage if necessary

The sixth and final step to handle defensiveness in others is to disengage if the situation becomes too heated, hostile, or unproductive. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the other person may not be willing or able to engage in a constructive and respectful dialogue, and may continue to be defensive, aggressive, or irrational. In such cases, you may need to end the conversation, take a break, or walk away, to protect yourself and prevent further escalation. You can also use assertive language to set boundaries, state your position, or request a change. This can help you preserve your dignity and integrity, and avoid further damage or harm.

7 Here’s what else to consider

This is a space to share examples, stories, or insights that don’t fit into any of the previous sections. What else would you like to add?