How do you handle conflict assertively without being aggressive or passive?

Honesty and timing go hand in hand. If you are honest but do not read the room, you could do more harm than good. When starting an assertive communication, ensure that the receiver is in a place they feel comfortable, and that they will be able to hear you, and you will hear them.

Asking permission can disarm defensiveness, as it empowers the receiver by giving them a choice. 'Can I say something challenging?' 'Can I be direct?' 'Am I able to speak honestly?' 'Would you mind if I told you my perspective, even if it might be difficult to head?' These questions go a long way, and can really make a difference in preparing the person you're talking to for something which otherwise might be offensive. When someone gives you permission to say something direct, when you do they'll be less likely to respond negatively because they chose to hear it. You empower the other person by giving them a choice, and when someone feels in control, they are not as intimidated or aggressive.

One thing I have found helpful is being clear that the purpose of the communication is to foster greater connection and understanding. A conversation where expectations and needs are discussed openly is more likely to result in solution-oriented behavior. Additionally, remaining cognizant of the fact that misaligned expectations are not the same as malicious intent by either party is key.

Communication styles can be compared to driving styles. Passive communication is like driving in the slow lane, always yielding to others and never taking initiative. Aggressive communication is like driving in the fast lane, disregarding others and pushing one's way forward. Assertive communication, on the other hand, is like driving in the middle lane - aware of one's own needs while also being mindful of others. It involves communicating one's needs and desires respectfully while taking into consideration the needs and feelings of others. Assertive communication can lead to a smoother journey, maintaining a balance of respect and assertiveness.

Aggressive or passive implies a motive which isn't ideal: with aggression you're trying to convince of your perspective, with passive you're trying to avoid conflict. Neither works in the long run. Being assertive is about open and honest communication, without a negative motivation, it's about saying where you are and being okay with the other person disagreeing.

I’ve learned, and also teach my clients, the importance of getting to know their inner parts, and the very real needs of their inner parts, so they are better equipped to use strategies just as the excellent ones presented in this article. As we continue to speak up for ourselves - but not sabotage ourselves or others in establishing our boundaries - our inner parts will begin to trust us more and more. Over time, inner conflict going on inside our minds will be calmed. Both - fighting and hiding - in communication work against bringing us what we really want.

Assertive communication is important because ti ensure all the important things are said in the best way. Which means that this will help diffuse the conflict and also prevent any issues in the future as well. Other communication styles might mean that the problem may be resolved for now but there are issues bubbling under the surface.

Boundaries can be compared to the walls of a house. Walls provide structure and define personal space. They allow individuals to control who and what enters their space, ensuring safety and privacy. Similarly, boundaries help individuals establish limits and protect their emotional and physical well-being. Without walls, a house would not be a secure or functional place to live. Similarly, without boundaries, individuals may not feel safe or secure in their personal relationships or environments.

In my experience, when we get clear on what we need inside ourselves, then it is so much more clear and easier to state our boundaries outside of ourselves. I tried to establish boundaries without first doing the inner work and it was not sustainable. Now that I’ve gotten in touch and formed a relationship of trust with the different inner Parts of me, I am much more capable of holding my boundaries, and respecting other’s boundaries.

Some ways of getting started are to create greater self-awareness of yourself and the people around you. It is worthwhile to understand the repetition of experiences you continue to have and their cause and effect on you and others. Once you gather the courage to be honest with yourself and are willing to accept your own shortcoming and unconscious prejudices, it is a begining of a journey towards self empowerment.