How do you balance giving advice and asking open-ended questions as a mentor?

Our instincts will likely tell us to give the advice. We have to hold that desire back and enable mentees to discover the answers with some coaching. No one wants to see a mentee struggle, but we can’t give them all the answers. For one, we don’t have all the answers. Next, there is power in them problem-solving and developing solutions.

There's quite a bit to hash out here: When it comes to mentoring, I found that most mentoring is undergirded by active listening. 70-90 percent of the mentoring sessions should be listening so that you can catch pain points. It's helpful when I ask open ended questions, because it helps the mentee to see both problems and also to visualize viable solutions. I want to be careful to not offer unsolicitative advice too quickly. If I'm not listening well and not listening actively, the advice that I give may not land, or may not be valuable to their specific situation. Active listening helps me not jump to conclusions and also gives me discernment and insight as to how to advise in a way that is both practical, applicable and beneficial.

Typically, if I sense that a discussion could go either way, I politely halt the conversation at a reasonable point and ask “What role would you like me to play here? A sounding board in receive only or someone from which you’re seeking input? More often than not, the other person already has a solution or is walking the path to one and I’m simply there as a means for them to talk it out.

As a mentor, you want your mentee to connect with their inner knowledge whenever possible. If you constantly provide advice, then you thwart their critical thinking process, and they may not understand how to think through a similar challenge in the future. There are times when your expertise is important and it can help to fill in knowledge gaps. There’s nothing wrong with giving advice, but use it sparingly.

Asking questions is what leads to how you can help. It's important to layer on your questions and try to peel back the onion. At first people may only tell you top-level answers and not get into the root of the issue. The more you ask, the deeper you can go. Once you find the true issue then you can mentor or share experiences to help them from the root up.

Sometimes it's simple. There isn't a bigger picture to see. There isn't a greater life lesson. Maybe there's a time crunch. Maybe this is a problem you've just solved for yourself. Sometimes you should just give the advice.

How do you work through the process when someone you are coaching or mentoring needs more direct-ness, whereas the typical leading questions do not work well with them?

The person that solves the problem is the hero. When you give advice, you solve the problem and they follow instructions. You are the hero. But it's supposed to be about them. Not about you. The powerful questions help increase awareness and generate responsibility. They can own their circumstances and their actions to change them. When you ask open-ended questions that help your mentee figure out how to solve their own problem, they get to be the hero.

In the sacred realm of mentorship, where wisdom flows & hearts open, the art of balance becomes a guiding light. To navigate the path between giving advice & asking questions is to embody the essence of true guidance. Drawing upon lessons from my book, Eyes Wide Open, I argue that while advice may offer a roadmap, it is in the depths of questioning that transformative growth takes root. As mentors, we embrace the power of thoughtful inquiry, for it is through the gentle exploration of another's journey that we invite self-reflection, self-discovery, & profound personal empowerment. By balancing advice with the art of asking questions, we create a space where mentees awaken to their inner wisdom, & the seeds of authentic leadership are sown.

One thing I find rewarding about mentoring is paying forward what my mentor did for me. It's my motivation, my inspiration. I have always felt the need to help people, share with them what I know. And mentoring others does that and then some. When I mentor others, I not only get to help them, share with them my learnings and best practices but I also get to tell them that they can achieve anything they want as long as they are ready to work hard and invest in their journey. I get help them achieve their goals, make a difference in their lives and it allows me to see them shine as they celebrate their success.

Ever had a time when you thought you had the perfect solution to a problem but later discovered that you didn’t have all the facts? Yeah, me too. Reminding ourselves that there was once a time when we thought we knew…but we’re wrong and remaining humble to that fact is an excellent practice. Many have heard the saying “feed a man a fish, and he’ll eat for the day; teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime…”. We go on to say that that same man will go on to feed the village as well. The greatest fulfillment is knowing that what you gave in experiences birthed the feasting of fish for an entire village…and in some cases - the world. Balancing when and how we give advice with how we draw out our mentees with questions is key.