How abandonment issues affect your relationships?

“I usually break up first so that he can not break up with me. I just can’t face rejection; it paralyses me. I feel completely worthless for days, weeks & months. I worry obsessively about my flaws, what mistakes I made & how I can avoid it. This overthinking gives me numerous sleepless nights. Then I decide that I would not let anyone come close enough to me & I am better off alone. Suddenly my life motto becomes ‘no attachment no abandonment”; Aparna told her childhood friend Divya.

Aparna became teary eyed, looked up hopelessly & told Divya; “The most awkward thing I struggle with is I keep repeating the same. This behavior of mine has become a pattern and I carry it to all my close relationships. I get attached to people easily as if I am super hungry for love & attention. When the person does exactly what I want, I begin to feel anxious. I become fearful that this beautiful phase of life will not last, he will leave me, and I will be alone again. That is when I pull the plug and abruptly end the relationship.”

“Why do you do that”? asked Divya. Aparna promptly replied assertively “Because I want to protect myself & I do not want to be hurt.”

When we understand Aparna and her pattern; we know that she has a fear of abandonment. Pushing people away when everything is going well is the protective mechanism, she adopts to save her from future pain of abandonment. The reason she jumps from one relationship to another hopelessly lies in her belief that ‘love is the ultimate cure’ whereas the reality is something else.

“Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love”; said the German psychologist, Eric Fromm. Because the antidote to the fear of being lonely is finding comfort in being alone. When you are afraid of abandonment, your biggest fear is being left out, lonely & rejected. You must face that fear first and get rid of your ‘protective mechanism’ which is to push people away when everything is going well.

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Why do we have a fear of abandonment?

Even though there can be multiple reasons behind it, the most common reasons are emotional or physical neglect, death of a parent, rejected or abused by caregivers or even emotional distance from parents. Fear of abandonment can also come from trauma, insecure attachment style or mental health condition like borderline personality disorder.

How do you know you have abandonment issues?

1.??? You constantly fear people leaving you.

2.??? You get attached to people too quickly.

3.??? You give too much & too early in relationships.

4.??? You tolerate a lot & become a people pleaser.

5.??? You get attracted to unavailable people.

How to deal with fear of abandonment?

1.??? Solitude: Fall in love with solitude. It can only happen when you love yourself enough & become self-compassionate. Be easy on yourself, do not be too harsh or judgmental & self-sabotage. Be your best friend first & you will be comfortable being alone.

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2.??? Needs vs Wants: You think you need relationships to feel better, but you want those relationships, you don’t need it. You need to practice mindfulness & become self-aware of your needs & wants.

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3.??? Attachment styles: Discover and understand your attachment style & its impact on your relationships. There are four kinds of attachment styles: Secure, Avoidant, Anxious & Disorganized. One you know your dominant attachment style; you will be in a better position to deal with abandonment issues.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"