How can you avoid emotional negotiation traps?

In my twenty plus years of negotiations leading 8 organizations as the ceo or president it is important that in a good negotiation no one side gets everything they want and that compromise is critical. No outcome should result in a winner-takes- it- all and the loser- is - left-shattered-and-small. Therefore it is critical that egos are checked at the door and that you remain calm throughout. There is no value from table pounding or raised voices.

In my experience, emotions are quite helpful. Your emotions are your inner guidance system advising you. Does it feel good or does it not? Negative emotion is a red flag. Pause to determine what is the cause of the negativity. Positive emotions are green flags. Again, pause in reflection. Now, keep in mind that the more you want a deal to happen, it is human nature to ignore the red flags as well to leave money on the table. This is fine as long as you know that you are doing it.

In negotiations I have found that you should care but not that much. What I mean by that is if you fight for every point you become predictable and ultimately less effective. Plus if you get overly vested in a certain position you also become inflexible and boxed in and at some point you can not compromise and work for a reasonable outcome. Along the way your whole positioning being tense and materially affects the chance of a positive sum outcome.

In life, there are triggers. When I get triggered, I find it critical for me to step back, take a breath and remember, this is a game. For all you know, the other party is trying to trigger you to get you off your game. When you cannot control your emotions, you have lost.

Calm and steady. Fair and open is the order of the day during negotiations and comport yourself the same during breaks. It is important to gain trust, respect and connect with the other side. You want to humanize your relationship. The intent is to build trust and work to an amicable agreement.

Master self-control. Don't get in the emotional manipulation. Stand your ground but listen to suggestions. When the other side tries to manipulate you with emotions - calmly and firmly label it as a manipulation and ask the other side to execute self-control. Emotions usually hide the real thing that bothers the person. Your goal to dig that thing out.

This article presents valuable ways to manage emotions. I feel that being upfront and honest even if that means saying, “I’m disappointed we couldn’t get the deal done, however, I’m confident we are the right partner and when the time is right, we will come to a mutually beneficial arrangement and exceed your expectations.” One thing that has made me successful in sales is not just my ability to negotiate or compromise but my genuine desire to ensure that the relationship is built on trust and respect for each other. Have a positive outlook and don’t get insulted or defensive if things don’t go as planned. You often see salespeople ditch all their kindness and professionalism as soon as they realize there’s no deal.

The goal here is to build trust. You do that through active listening. More often people negotiating are not really listening when the other side is communicating their thoughts- more often they are simply waiting for the person to stop talking so they can talk.This is de-leveraging the situation and candidly leds to a stalled outcome.

Emotion in, emotion out. Logic and reasoning in, logic and reasoning out. What do you want to be the outcome? Emotion or logic?

Do you homework in advance. Know the market. Know the value of what you are negotiating for and know when to talk away. Again live by the saying of care but not that much. If you become too vested then you are buying or trying to sell overly invested and with your ego. Rarely does that combination led to a good outcome.

Knowing what is non-negotiable for you is key. If you even get stuck in a negotiation, you should push for that one thing and compromise on everything else.

In my experience negotiating is about knowledge, logic and control. Emotions and egos leads to poor negotiating. If the negotiator does their homework and keeps control of their emotions and ego then logic should prevail, leading to good outcomes and a successful negotiation.

For those above talking about having a "care but not that much" attitude, credit Herb Cohen here (who coined the phrase). The reason this is desirable, striving to be "unaffected not indifferent", isn't just that such a state increases your chances of making sound rational decisions at the table, but for what it says to the other side about the strength of your best alternative, ie that you can live without the deal. Aside from this, there are certainly specific things you can do to help manage YOUR emotion (before and during negotiations) in addition to things you can do to help manage THEIR emotions throughout too. To learn about these visit www.negotiationinfluence.com