How can you avoid defensive reactions during a conflict?

2 Pause and breathe

When you are triggered, your brain activates the fight-or-flight response, which impairs your rational thinking and makes you more likely to react impulsively or defensively. To counteract this, you need to pause and breathe before you respond. Pausing gives you time to calm down, reflect, and choose your response. Breathing helps you regulate your nervous system, lower your blood pressure, and relax your muscles. To pause and breathe effectively, you can use techniques such as counting to ten, taking deep breaths, or repeating a positive affirmation.

3 Listen actively

Another way to avoid defensive reactions is to listen actively to the other person's perspective. Listening actively means paying attention, showing interest, asking questions, and summarizing what you heard. Listening actively helps you understand the other person's point of view, empathize with their feelings, and find common ground. It also shows respect and reduces defensiveness in the other person. To listen actively, you can use skills such as nodding, eye contact, paraphrasing, or mirroring.

4 Use I-statements

One of the most common causes of defensive reactions is the use of accusatory or blaming language. When you use words such as "you always", "you never", or "you should", you may make the other person feel attacked, judged, or guilty. To avoid this, you can use I-statements instead. I-statements are expressions that focus on your feelings, needs, or preferences, rather than on the other person's behavior or character. For example, instead of saying "You are so rude and disrespectful", you can say "I feel hurt and angry when you interrupt me". I-statements help you communicate more assertively, honestly, and respectfully.

5 Seek feedback

The final tip to avoid defensive reactions is to seek feedback from the other person. Feedback is information that helps you improve your performance, behavior, or relationship. However, many people perceive feedback as criticism or rejection, and react defensively by denying, justifying, or counterattacking. To overcome this, you need to seek feedback proactively, rather than waiting for it to be given to you. Seeking feedback shows that you are open to learning, willing to change, and interested in the other person's opinion. To seek feedback effectively, you can use strategies such as asking open-ended questions, expressing appreciation, or requesting specific suggestions.